15 minutes that just might save your relationship with your teenager
Today I am sharing one more favorite post from the archives…If you missed this one, I hope it inspires you to parent with thoughtfulness this week. If you’ve read it before, then perhaps it’s a healthy reminder.
*****
This weekend something came up…once again…with one of our sons. It was an incident related to the way he treats one of his brothers, and honestly–we’ve all gotten pretty fed up with this particular issue.
I was in the other room as I heard my husband begin to handle things. He has been super frustrated with this character issue, and didn’t try to hide it.
There was irritation in his voice: “We’ve been over this how many times?”
“I’m going to keep on this until you get the point and you quit doing it.”
And more.
My husband was right. The behavior is bad, and it wears down the family and tears apart the brothers. It needs to change.
But my mom-heart also knew that there was much more to this.
So with a deep breath, I entered the scene. (I’m not always good at this…) I sat down with the two of them and just listened for a minute. My husband had made a solid point, and my son looked mostly defeated.
I asked if we could all talk just a minute more.
Then I began to ask questions. I was not taking away anything that my husband had addressed, but I wanted to get to the root of the problem.
I wanted to hear my son’s heart.
What are you really FEELING when you treat your brother like that? What is going on inside of you? I asked.
He looked down and hesitated. I could tell that he didn’t feel safe.
After all–He was in trouble. How would we receive an honest reply? Would we jump all over him if he told us the truth? Call him selfish? Criticize him?
Now I know that Dave and I don’t represent all parents in our roles, but I do think that we are pretty typical in that the man is focused on behavior and obedience, and mom sometimes sees through things to the heart, feeling a bit more compassion. I suppose this is how God designed us, and when we work together, it can really be a good mix. But it doesn’t always go so smooth, so I turned to my husband, and asked permission: “Can we give him a chance to talk a little? Can we give him a safe place to just get some feelings out? I’m not excusing his behavior, but if he shares some of the stuff inside of him, we can help work things out.”
Dave nodded, and looked at our son patiently.
And then..there were still no words. But the tears began to flow.
My heart ached.
I knew there was more inside of him, and I was pretty sure that I had a good idea just what the more was. (Moms are good like that.)
But I held back. I wanted him to name it.
Our son struggled with words, frustrated to say things so that they would come out just right.
“Just say whatever you feel. Really–it’s OK. We’re just going to listen.”
Finally, I knew that he was still struggling to get his feelings out, so I offered him a few words that might just represent his feelings. Now sometimes when I do this, my husband suggests that I am speaking for my boys, feeding them feelings that they may not have. Perhaps I have erred on that side before, but I’m really working on this, because I think it’s a super helpful tool in parenting.
I offered a variety of simple, but real words: “Maybe when you act this way, it is because you feel jealous…or hurt….angry…ignored….?” I told him that there were no wrong answers.
Then his words began to flow as he connected a few of my words with a few of his own to express what he’s been wrestling with. We listened and didn’t react. As if someone was peeling away layers of expectations, and performance-based approval, he was free to talk.
Dave and I affirmed our son’s feelings, and felt like we understood his heart. We asked for some ways we might show him greater support and encouragement. We talked about a few practical things. We made sure he knew he was heard.
I could see his shoulders relax as the tension he was holding released, and I believe that he truly felt that we were for him, not against him.
Finally, he smiled and said “I think that covers it,” which was our cue to be done.
He thanked us for taking the time to talk to him. He even told us he knew we took the time because of our love for him.
I looked at the clock and maybe fifteen minutes had gone by.
But those might have been the most important fifteen minutes of our week.
So this is what I’m realizing: It is easy to see our kids’ flaws, and jump right into discipline–to focus on behavior and performance, and our expectations in everything. We are busy, and we want to see things corrected. Fixed. Changed.
But when we do this, we often forget the heart behind what is going on.
If there is some area that seems to be a recurring issue for your child, then I encourage you to take fifteen minutes to dig a little deeper. Do not overlook an offense, or compromise your standards, but do give your child permission to be very real with you. Ask questions. Let them know that there are no wrong answers, and that your love for them is unconditional.
And if they have trouble finding the words, try offering a few to choose from. Give them real words that allow them to open up honestly. Then follow through by listening without judging. Allow the doors of communication to open and your relationship will deepen.
If you’re looking for lasting behavior change in your child, you’ll be wise to begin with a heart-change. And part of a healthy heart-change is working through some raw feelings–as ugly or sinful, or un-family-friendly as they might sound, and working through them with the people who love them the most.
Fifteen minutes may save your relationship.
Hope this encourages someone out there, and thanks for walking through this parenting thing with me!
Much Aloha,
Monica
PS To be fair: The kid in the above photos is not necessarily the actual kid in the story above. And yes, I realize that the kid in the photo hardly even looks like a kid since he is nearly as big as his father now! (When did THAT happen!?)
PPS Two related posts: Character qualities for Exceptional Children, and
What Middle Children need most from their parents.
Hi Monica…Am just getting round to reading this post even thouh I have been reading your blog for some years now. My heart broke and then was filled with hope because I have been dealing with a similar situation with my two boys. Infact, I wasn’t “dealing” anymore. I really didn’t know what to do. Thank you for giving me a life line and a solution that I can apply immediately! My family lives in Nairobi, Kenya and it amazes me how God can use someone oceans away to speak to us! Thank you and God bless you and your boys abundantly!
Thank you for your insight & the advice youre giving Monica. After reading some of the comments, I realize I may be the only one to bring a different response to your post on parenting teens. I have 2 children-well-2 young adults now ages 18 & 20(how they cn be this old I do not know!ha) They went from Babies to these college kids I have to look up to as they are taller than me. :)I love them so much& I am blessed to say that thru all the bumps & bruises of growing up, parenting, making mistakes & successes, God has been with me as Ive been a single parent for past 3 years. It has Not been easy to say it mildly. But Ive done lot of praying, taking advice from others whove gone b4 me in parenting, & just using good common sense. And my kids are good, hardworking, respectable young adults. So what I will say is not going to be taken well w some. This is from experience—– Please sit down w all your kids and ask them how they feel about you posting their ‘problems’, their daily happenings & innermost thoughts & pictures . Show them what you post & ask how they feel. My children(when they were 8-20) would have been so angry, frustrated & would’ve blocked me from all their social media accounts & would never have told me anything personal again if I were to talk about them out in public. Im just asking all parents- Do you think your kids- whatever age they are- want their personal feelings, thoughts & emtions & picture shared w the world? These young children need to be protected not exploited. The social media world is not private. Their are many evils & darkness to whats out there. I speak from a personal knowledge & much understanding- which I can share at a later date. Please dont post personal info & pictures about your children or other children whatever the age .They need their parent to be the one person who will protect them from the dangers out there. I love hearing others share & Ive gained alot of knowledge from listening, but please consider your childrens feelings & protect them!do it in a more protective way. Have a great day & hang in there! —–from a very concerned parent. Joy
Wow. I totally connected with this. I’ve got 2 boys 20 & 18. Both heading to Liberty University in Virginia. We live in West Palm Beach Florida. & their differences are night & day. I feel this awareness of time, addressing respect to your husband before jumping in, then as I also have done with my husband saying don’t give them words. You are useing trith, it is like a life preserver to give them a hand up. Sometimes words are hard for them & as a Mom we get it. This intuition I believe the Lord blesses a Mother with. & your husband what respect he gave you back. Wow, to give this control is trust that you are not trying to take the Dads control away but also using team work to conquer. What a lucky young man you have with such amazing parents. I thank you so much for this post. I am sure after this 1st semester I will need your example to guide me. You are a light in the darkness. Praise be to God for all you do for us grommoms.
Thank you for your insight! As a teacher, I have found that giving a student the time to gather their thoughts, express their feelings, and consider alternative solutions builds trust in their relationship with me as well as in our class family. When a child trusts that they will be heard, they become more confident, compassionate individuals. Taking time to support and build social-emotional skills is imperative to establish a healthy family, at home and at school.
Thank you Cindy! Love hearing that from a teacher. 🙂 I bet this is really useful in the classroom too–and what a difference you can make to kids who may not have such an environment in their home. Teachers are so important! Much aloha-
Listening, not reacting and then affirming feelings- I think this super helpful advice works with all people, not just teens. And I love these posts from the archives since I’m a newish reader. You’re an inspiration, Monica.
oh thank you so much Katie. You’re right–these are across-the-board relationship skills, so true. Blessings and Aloha!
Thank you for this post. We have been going through this EXACT scenario with Mr 15, Mr 14 and Mr 12 just this morning (and on a recurring basis).
Your posts always seem to be written just for me!
xx
There is no greater compliment. 🙂 Thank you. Hope you make some progress and most of all know that your efforts matter! 🙂 XO
I can relate, I’ve had to teach my husband to listen to his family
Aww Monica you’re always such inspiration to us all, thankyou for sharing that story with us it was so real & heart felt .
Loved your p.s’s made me chuckle & yes I too was thinking he was so tall in the pics & that your son & husband were now like mirror images of each other. Bless them & you & the rest of your lovely family xxx
Thank you Monica
Love reading your posts. It really encourages me .. I have a 16 year old boy and 13 year old girl and just love keeping the communication channel open at all times.
You are a great blessing to all moms
Be blessedxxx
So helpful, Monica?‼️
So glad!! 😉 Thanks for taking time to comment!
btw…I just shared this with my husband, and it really spoke to him and got us talking, thinking through our own patterns. Whenever I sends him your blogposts, he reads them on the spot! We both appreciate you so much!
Oh wow, that means to much. Thank you and all the best to both (all) of you! 🙂 XO
Thank you for this article! I have 3 boys ages 6, 3, and 3 months but I truly enjoy reading and learning from you & your boys, you keep me ahead of the curve! Loved this one!
Thanks again
Thank you Karen–You are very wise to be preparing in advance because (it really is true–) Time will fly! 🙂 Aloha–
Needed this today……great encouragement ❤️
SO glad to hear it! 🙂 XO have a great week–
I really love this and completely agree. It is so important to look past the behaviour and to seek to understand the why behind it. Doing this from a very young age communicates to your child that you are on their side and will listen to them, understand them and love them no matter what. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I will be sharing for sure.
I recently wrote a post on acceptance and understanding centred around my young daughter. Being little she is not always able to clearly articulate her feelings so I often have to guess and ask questions to see whether I can get to the bottom of it. If you’d like to read it, here’s the link:
http://peacefulparentsconfidentkids.com/2015/06/my-daughter-is-not-giving-me-a-hard-time-she-is-having-a-hard-time/
Hi Kate,
Thank you for commenting. You have a beautiful site and I enjoyed reading your post. You are a very loving momma with an empathetic heart. Thank you for sharing.
Be blessed and so glad I ‘met you’ here today! aloha
Aw, thank you! So pleased to have met you and your amazing work, too! 🙂
Wow, what a fabulous post… I seriously hope you’re still writing stuff like this when my baby is your kids’ age (or at least re-posting these current posts to jog my memory).
This is great, Monica! Sounds exactly like something we are dealing with in one of our kiddos, and your words and advice in this are sound and so encouraging. To search out their hearts and motives and desires and feelings behind their disobedience can bring lasting change IN them rather than just an outward change that brings no real peace to their hearts. I find myself frequently reminding my kids that, “No discipline is pleasant at the time, but only painful, but in the end it produces righteousness and peace in the hearts of those who have been trained by it.” We are not seeking only outward righteousness in them through our discipline, but also longing for the lasting peace, found only in Jesus, in their hearts. Even though his consequences still stand, he will LOVE you and feel respected by you in this for caring more for his heart than solely his wrong actions. Jesus certainly saw Mary’s heart, and not just her sin, as she knelt at his feet, washing them with her tears and hair and pouring her jar of expensive perfume over his feet. I pray we will always be able to see our children with these eyes!
Love love love! Thankyou so much for your inspiration, your encouragement, the extra tools that we can swipe for our own parenting toolboxes 😉 and for your willingness to share and uplift others. Keep up the wonderful work! Your wisdom is very much appreciated!
Gina–What a huge encouragement! Thank you. 🙂 So glad you enjoyed the post and plz. come visit anytime! aloha
Wow. Just wow! Such a timely post for me. My husband and I literally just talked about this today. Searching for a way to parent with the same grace that the Lord has given us. Tough to do when you just want your kids to “act this way” or ” do this”.
Thank you!!
Thank you for walking through this and sharing! This post is just what I needed to read, we are having issues with our children (12 &9) regarding their treatment of each other. Again thank you for reminding me to listen first. Hugs ~ Carol W.
Monica, thank you for sharing this. It truly shows the culture of honoring relationships before issues in a big way and our children, sons and daughters need more of this.
Thank you again.
Daryl
Wow, thank you Daryl. “honoring relationships before issues.” i love that. Aloha-
Hello Monica.
Wow what an article. It could not have come at a better time. I have loved your posts and they are so encouraging and helpful. This article had opened my eyes to a situation we are facing. Continue writing! God uses you for others.♡
Regards Candy
Just wanted to say I really appreciated the thoughts you had in this blog. I am a parent of 4 children aged 5 to 16 years and sometimes I focus too much on behaviour modification and forget to look into their heart and see why they are acting the way they do. Thank you for the reminder to look behind the behaviour to see the real issue. God bless you!
Thank you Angela! So glad and I do hope this helps. Also just noticed that our kids ages are nearly the same range. My boys are age 4 to 15! 🙂 Keep it up, Momma! 🙂 aloha
I’ve been working on some similar issues with my son. I’ve discovered that the more you work on the relationship building, the more the behavior issues begin to fade away. Parenting is tough but teenage stuff is tough too, so helping each other just makes sense. Good post!
Yes Adrian–Such good points. Thank you so much!! Aloha 🙂
My husband actually just sent me an article about dealing with our children’s misbehavior or not reaching the bar with grace..We explain our disappointment and that we do want to see better, but that we ourselves don’t always rise to the occasion..sometimes mom and dad also lose their tempers and do things we shouldn’t. Say things. But thanks to God we know that if we come to Him with a humble heart and admit our failings, asking forgiveness, He will give us grace upon grace. So, I’m so looking forward to using this method and sharing God’s grace with them. Your blog went right along with the theme this week..would you believe our small group was working on a chapter entitled Grace this week in our Bible studies? 🙂
Oh man, this nearly had me in tears! Suffice to say, I’ve been in his position more than I care to remember, and I can only imagine how much I would have appreciated the kind of safe space you gave him. Too many times, in the middle of arguments, I would ask one of my parents “Do you ever wonder why I do X/Y/Z? Do you ever think I’m screwing up like this because something in me is screwed up?”
Your son is so lucky to have you and Dave, and he’s going to benefit more than you know for your grace and guidance.
Dear Monica
Thank you for your wise words! There is always such a real vulnerability to the way you write and it’s so encouraging.
You’re a great mom with a great heart!
Have a wonderful day!
Much love from South Africa xxx
This wa s sooo good! I need to do this more often with my kids. Thanks a lot for sharing! 🙂
I too am a mom of boys…3
This was so helpful as I just encountered a recurring issue between #1 & #3. I loved your telling him that he has a safe place to speak his mind. I am going to add this into my parenting toolbox. I think it’s important for our children to know that they can be vulnerable to us and that we are mainly here to help them navigate thru their first 18 years. thanks for sharing your experiences.
Loving this, Monica!
I am finally getting to this way of discipline with my kids. You are RIGHT and it is rarely ever about the actual action they have been portraying. It is hard when you only have time to scream and say, “STOP ACTING LIKE THIS!” But, usually it comes down to wanting to be heard in our crazy busy life! Thank you for your wisdom!
Dede
I love your insight, transparency and wisdom. Having boys the same age, wading through the same waters, it helps to know my husband and I are not alone and that there are real answers to some of these basic teen boy problems.
It is always a joy and confirmation to see that God cares for us as a people, but also as individuals, when I read your articles, usually the next day after something exactly the same has happened in our home- which is true in this case! I had the “15 minute talk” with my oldest son last night in the car on the way home from youth group. He has been irritating and instigating trouble with all his siblings lately, to the point of physical harm at times, which he tells me he never intended it to end up that way. I had reached the end of my patience with it and finally asked him to be honest with me about what was going on…
He confided in me that a couple of his friends have been bugging him lately about a lot of small things that has added up to a bigger problem as time has gone on. My husband is also out of the country for work for a month which only contributes to our son’s frustration and emotional state- he finds security in having his dad home, and 4 weeks is a long time for a 14 yr old!
I reassured him that his friends have issues, just like he does, and that he needs to forgive and ask God for the grace to accept each person for who they are, letting them know when it gets to be too much. As for the issue of dad being out of the picture, I encouraged him to focus on the things he’d like to do with him when he gets back, instead of dwelling on the fact that he’s not here now. I hope this is enough to get him by until dad is back and all is well in his world.
Thanks Monica for your gentle-spirited advice as a mom and wife, you are highly respected in my book and I admit, I get a little excited every time I see your email pop up in my inbox 🙂
Carmelia—Thank you. Your comment blesses me. I love to hear that the timing of my posts is so often in line with what you’re going through. You shared such a great example of taking the time to parent well–way to go. Just think, you could have been busy on your phone, or just listening to music for that drive home…But you chose to initiate a conversation instead. That may have changed everything. God bless you and thank you for being here and the sweet encouragement! aloha!
Btw, I read your post about the book by Stephanie Fast and your highly acclaimed reviews so I went to Amazon (made simple by your link ;)) and snatched it up for only $8.50!! They’re running a promo for today only for 30% off any book and I have Prime with free shipping so it was a steal.
I should tell you I’m not an avid reader, not for lack of ability, but just not one of my fav past times. However, these kind of inspirational stories intrigue me so I’m excited to get it just a few days from now!!
Thanks for the recommendation 🙂
yay! You’ll have to tell me how you like it! 🙂 So glad you got it–and at such a great price too! xo
This happens in our home at times. My husband thinks I am speaking for my boys, but I’m not always…. Thank you for encouraging me, Monica! I love your heart and blog!
Thank you Heather! 😉 Yes, I suppose it is a fine line, but giving those words can really help a kid learn to communicate. Much aloha to you!!
I love this Monica! Such an important way to look at things. We have been working through some school behavior with my oldest son that seems to keep coming back. I started to feel we were ganging up on him, the teacher and we the parents. I had to sit him down and really talk through it. He was so stressed out all the time. That’s not what we want. He needed to know we are FOR him, not against him. Just as a god is FOR us. Still consequences, but also recognition that he is trying. Our approach is so much more team based now. Bigger picture. Your guy will be so much better from this! I pray mine will too.
Once again a wonderful column that rings true for all of us with kids. Plenty to learn from sharing our experiences with each other. Your kids are indeed blessed to have parents who are prepared to listen – too often we shout at them and demand they change their behaviour without fully exploring the reasoning behind it.
Yes Sheena. And we are not perfect at all–We’ve done it wrong many times, but we keep trying! 🙂 Bless you, and thank you for the comment! aloha
This was a beautiful read! I hope you & Dave know how lucky you are to have each other and how lucky those boys are to have you!
Blessings & Warm Regards,
Alexandra
http://www.littlewildheart.com
Thank you Alexandra! We do indeed! bless you for the sweet encouragement!
Well done. With class and respect for your son.
Bless you