To my blog readers: Hey guys! So I’m doing something a little different here. I am sharing a letter that I really drafted to give to my husband. I didn’t plan for it to go on the blog at first, but after I wrote it I wondered if it might resonate with the heart of other women as well. I made a few minor edits to share here, but this is mostly the original note. I do have an idea for those of you reading it though, so meet me at the bottom of the post to hear about that, ok? Thanks. And…here ya go —
Dearest Husband,
I’ll try to keep this short and sweet because it’s going on the internet and I already know how that will make you squirm. But I have a feeling this might be for more than just you and me, so I think you’ll understand…
There are just a few things that I’ve been wanting to tell you.
First of all, I love you. Sometimes in this busy season, I forget to stop and tell you how very glad I am that I have you.
I mean, I think we agree that our marriage is mostly healthy and good. It’s not perfect, but overall, we are happy together. We used to work a lot on our marriage in the early days, but we hardly have time for that now. And considering the season we are in, I think we’re holding it all together pretty well.
But there’s no denying: The kids? They’re the biggest part of US right now. And whether we’re running them here and there, or talking about their grades or moods or sports or attitudes, we are pretty focused on them. All of the time.
And you know how much I work on being a better mom — reading and writing about parenting, and pouring a lot of time and attention into our kids. You get that I feel a lot of pressure to raise our boys well and enjoy the short years we have with them, and you are so good at doing this right along side me.
You see me bite my tongue and take deep breaths as I try to give our kids my best. I dig for those last drops of patience from the depth of my soul as I give them five more minutes or two more stories or one more chance…and you know it’s all because I love them and I want so badly to get this parenting thing right. So you listen as I share my dreams and concerns…and together we pray and we strategize on ways to steer this one, support that one…
And then…after all of that, you actually want to talk about things going on with ME…My interests and passions. You genuinely care about what I’m doing and writing and how I’m feeling and you make me feel like my stuff is extremely important.
But then you.
Well, I guess it’s occurring to me lately that there’s not much focus on you at all. In fact, I don’t get the feeling you even want more focus. I hardly ask you questions, and when I do (oh man I’m feeling selfish!) I am content with your short and sweet answers.
Yep…it’s all about the kids, and after that? I take what’s left.
And at the end of the day, YOU…often get the worst of me. You get my worn-out, unfiltered self. You get the leftover, help-yourself, I’m tired, it’s been a long day — me.
You get the me that already gave the best of myself to the kids all day.
So what I really want to say is…Thank you. Thank you for knowing my heart even through all of that.
Thank you for not fighting back when I say mean things to you because it’s after 10:00 and I’m exhausted. And then thank you that five minutes after I say mean things, you’re still willing to laugh at Jimmy Fallon or chit-chat about the news because you knew that I didn’t really mean that mean stuff, I’m just a tired mom and it’s after ten and you get that.
Thank you for loving me, even when I’m ugly and worn out and not at all put-together. When I take off my makeup, put on my old PJ’s, and don’t even notice how scary my hair looks. I just love that I can be 100% myself with you.
Thank you for letting me sometimes be stressed, and not trying to fix it. For letting me stay up too late on the computer and not questioning my use of time. Thank you for accepting that sometimes I have a headache, or cramps, or gas, and you won’t say a word but you just keep loving me
For all of the times I make really lame dinners or no dinner at all, and you just accept me and our life and then grab takeout because we’re in this together and I feel no expectation from you to be perfect. Thank you.
Thank you for overlooking my flaws, even when I’m quick to point out yours. None of us are perfect, but I’m pretty good at acting like I am. And you? Your good at letting me believe it.
Thank you too, for rolling with my emotions. You get excited about the things that excite me, and you get mad when I’m mad. Now that I think about it– that’s really Biblical love. (Romans 12:15) In fact, when we recently read 1 Corinthians 13, I realized that those love verses actually describe you. (I was thinking it then, why didn’t I just say it?)
Sometime over the last twenty years (can you believe April will be 20 years?!) I’ve become very secure in our marriage, and very comfortable with you. And I love that. But I also know that I too easily take you for granted. Take us for granted. And I don’t want to do that.
I don’t want you to get my ugly, or my mean, or my leftovers. I want to give you my pretty, my kind, my best. I want to point out your amazing qualities more than any small negatives. I want you to know that I need you every single day, and that your quiet presence in this home and in my heart?…
Is actually everything to me.
With love,
admiration,
respect,
and a lifetime debt of gratitude…
Monica
Now to my readers: Thank you for letting me share this more personal note with you here. This letter may or may not represent your own heart for your husband right now. If it does, you are welcome to print it out and give it to him, signed with your name! If it doesn’t, maybe you can use this as a springboard, and write a note from your own heart to your man! Whether you’re in a good season or a tough one, there are always some positive qualities you can focus on to encourage and show gratitude to your husband. (If you are currently single, then consider this an inspiration to pen some kind thoughts to anyone in your life who you are grateful for! )
If this little note encouraged or blessed you, would you consider using the social media buttons to share it with your friends? I’d love to hear about love letters being passed inside homes all across the world!
I welcome you to comment below as well, sharing something you love or appreciate about your husband! I asked for some husband-adjectives earlier on my Facebook page and was completely blessed by all of the awesome words women had to describe their guys. You can’t say too much good about your man.
XO Monica
PS A book Dave and I both recommend: Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
PPS More marriage posts from my archives: This one for help with our attitudes in marriage. And this one on building bridges when there’s some distance in marriage. Oh–and for your entertainment, an older one: Dave and I on video talking about marriage!
Seeing this only makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong, for I do not have this. I have a husband who competes with my child and do s not accept me being tired. I feel insecure with no make up and judged if I look as rough as I feel. I’m so sorry exhausted and stay up anyways to watch tv reruns because I’m too tired to follow anything new but it’s my only time alone doing, me and he does judge me for it. I started reading this in hopes I could share it and tag him. But as I read I realized it’s way off. I’m starting to feel a wake up call.
Wow love this x
Monca, this made me cry. I felt like I could’ve been the author. You wrote such a beautiful letter. Thank you for the encouragement and reminder to write a letter like this and express these ideas that are SO TRUE at our stage of our lives.
You are such an inspiration! Your husband and children are so lucky! Thank you! xo
Well Valerie–You are so kind! Thank you for those truly encouraging words. I hope you craft a lovely letter of your own. Much love…XO
That letter is just beautiful. We have a 12 yr old son and his daughter is 28 and on her own. We will celebrate 15 yrs in July and this is a second marriage for both of us. This letter just says it all. Also my husband’s birthday happens to be Valentine’s Day. So I’m going to give it to him with a few tweaks. Just beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with everyone.
Thank you Liz. That is just awesome. So glad you commented and I hope you have the best Valentine’s Day ever. XOXO
This letter is something I wish I read a year ago. We are in a season of seperation and I am the one that took my wonderful husband for granted. We are not perfect and I focused on the bad. I was mean, ugly, hurtful, disrespectful and now I am in the process of trying to come to God and allow him to heal my family. I’m being taught patience through this. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for being so honest in your comment. Bless your heart. I pray that you can find healing and strength and that your marriage is better than ever one day. Don’t give up. Much aloha to you–
This. I’ve said, thought, written these very words in the last few weeks. We will be married 20 years this year, too. And I wonder, as our teens are getting older, if I’m not more thoughtful of where we will be in a few years as they start spending more and more time away. I have ‘missed’ my husband the last 16 years of raising kids, and he me. But I find I think we have a good marriage, but can we go further, deeper still or is this the best there is? We are the best of friends. We are still in love and yet comfortable. I don’t want that to be a death sentence. But I am finally at the point where I trust that wherever we are is good for him. Boggles my head, that he should be so accepting, happy, and still reaching for me. Loved reading my heart on your blog. Lol!
Love, love, love this. The gist of it is totally how I feel, even if the details of our life are a bit different. My hubby and I will be married 15 years in May, and it seems a bit surreal that we’ve been married that long and I still feel like my early twenties self around him…
Thank you, Monica. My husband and I have a child with special needs. She’s wonderful and sweet, but can also be just exhausting. Sometimes when there’s a child with special needs in the family, the marriage tends to circle around that. Conversations are about her day, her progress, etc.
My husband has a birthday coming up. I think I’ll write him a letter of my own. He really is a wonderful husband and father. I think I’ll have my daughter write one, too.
We’ve been married 30 years and counting …
Oh Terry, that just brings tears to my eyes! I’m sure you both give so much…God bless you. I do hope you write that letter and I’m sure it will be the best present he could get! 😉 XO
Thanks for sharing Monica! We are in pretty much the same season of life! 20 years of marriage and two young kids!
I think I will share this or edit and make it my own. I do so often miss opportunities to tell him how much he means to me! Thanks for the reminder.
Dawn
Awesome! Thank you Dawn. Much aloha to you and your family. 🙂
Thank you for this! It was really eye opening to me and brought some perspective on all that my husband does for our family and how I often don’t appreciate him enough. It encourages me let him know how much I appreciate all the ways that he gives so selflessly without anything in return.
thank you for sharing!
Thank you Danja. Yes, even as I wrote I felt like my own eyes were being opened to even more about my own husband…It was a healthy little activity for me! 😉 Glad if you’re inspired and might extend a bit of love and gratitude to your own man. 😉 Aloha-
I am reading this through tear filled eyes at 5:00am as I just fed our newborn daughter who is 3 weeks old and the third little girl we have brought into the world. So often I feel this way and this letter expresses my feelings perfectly. Even tonight before we went to bed I tried to catch a much needed nap with the baby only to be woken up by the other two (3 & 8) arguing, and in his effort to make sure I didnt need anything before we went to bed, my attitude began to show its ugly head just in the way I responded to his questions, short and not very nice all bc I was tired and worn out. Never once did he snap or retaliate….I am so blessed to walk this earth and share this journey with him and prob dont tell him enough how much I appreciate him, so thank you for writing this bc it suits my feelings and our season that we are in more than you could imagine!
Thank you Jessica! I love to hear that, and I’m trusting that you’ll communicate the same to your husband as well. 🙂 (maybe not a lot of time to write out a love letter with a 3 week old in your arms, but I’m sure he’d love to hear your words all the same!) You are in a crazy season, so hang in there. And congrats on #3…How exciting! XO God bless-
Your letter makes me love my husband more. He’s working in the Middle East and I was the one raising our two boys here. (I’m from the Philippines, by the way.)
My two boys aged 5 and 2 always drain my energy. That’s why, most of the time, when it’s our time to chat over the net, I feel already exhausted and damn tired. I feel I look horrible when we’re having video calls. And I easily lose my patience in a snap.
But my husband understands me. And he never fails to tell me how beautiful I am inside and out and that he loves me more and more each day.
Jody–Bless your heart! I’m sure you are drained, and I’m sure your husband does understand and appreciate you so much. But I love that the letter makes you love your husband even more. That is awesome! Let him know it for sure!! God bless you and I hope this season doesn’t last too long for you! xoxo
Hi Monica,
So I won’t print this and give to my husband but I just felt like I was reading my current life in your letter. Thank you for sharing. It is a blessing to know us moms who are fortunate to be at home with our kids are not alone in our feelings. I feel marriage has stages and right now it is for sure the “kids” stage. But the time and love invested will be a reward in the future. And my hope is when the kids are grown and out living their life it will shift back to the “us” stage again-growing old together! Hope your doing well and will probably be seeing you soon! Take care. 🙂
Thank you Kim!! Yes to everything you said! And I’m sure your family and ours can especially relate to one other!! 😉 Thank you for commenting…and yes, see you at a beach here or there before long! 😉
XO aloha!
I can’t wait to share this with my husband! Almost everything you wrote perfectly describes our relationship right now! Thank you for sharing and for writing what’s on all our hearts!
Your letter is so touching and real. I hope everyone takes the time to pass on their love and appreciation to their spouses. I wish I would have done this months ago. So many times appreciation of our spouses goes unspoken. We get caught up in daily life. Mine sure did and now after 17 1/2 years of marriage my husband has asked for a divorce. I truly believe that so much of it has been lack of time spent with eachother and letting the other one know how much they are appreciated. Your letter really is beautiful.
Oh Megan, I am so so sorry. Is there still hope for you? I believe that God can do miracles in the most broken of relationships. I hope you don’t give up yet! Praying for you now. Thank you for the kind words. XO
Love it! Thank you!! I am really glad that it’s not just me who feels like this! Honestly even when I get home from work I hurry and change out of my nice business clothes into tatty old ones and I shouldn’t do that! I just run out of “nice” so he gets left with the in-nice! Thank you!!
Dear Salt and Pepper,
It is with tears in my eyes that I write you a note. I remember a young youth pastor and a new bride traveling by Van to a Mexico Misson.
We talked about marriage and how we blend and compliment each other.
I say, BRAVO. Bravo for loving through it all and still seeing the good in your spouse.
So Proud of you,
Susan Klepinger
PS. We celebrate 40 years of marriage this summer
awww, Susan!!! You made my day. . SO fun hearing from you! Thank you for that comment. I will never forget that conversation! Great memories…And now I often think of you guys when I send my boys to youth group (and quite honestly we don’t help or volunteer there at all), and I remember how much you did to help and support us. You were very special to us!! Hugs to your whole family!! XOXO
Thank you Monica for sharing your heart towards your husband with us! This subject of encouragement tends to strike a sharp chord with me at times as I realize how little I do to verbally, emotionally, or physically encourage my husband. I am well known as a “natural critic” in his book, but he still chooses to love me, even when he struggles with his own past with feelings of “not good enough” from an extremely critical mother. We’ve been married 16 1/2 years and the longer we’re together I’m learning how damaging my comments are. I’m encouraged to know that we all struggle at times with this character flaw, but my constant prayer is that God will change my heart towards my husband and help me to see the good in him and our family. Your blog has been an inspiration to me and it’s so uplifting when we all share our strengths and weaknesses as the body of Christ!
Carmella
Oh Carmella– you are definitely not alone here. I encourage you to just do the work of speaking life to your man whenever you can. I do think it can become more of a habit when we work on it! Thank you for the kind words and I am so glad my blog has been an encouragement to you. Much love–
This is beautiful, you made me cry (again). I wonder what my husband’s reaction would be to a letter like this, I’m curious to hear what Dave said.
Thank you Lucy. Dave just thanked me with a very sweet and sincere smile. I’m certain any husband would appreciate a heart-felt letter. Go for it! 🙂 XO
I agree, my husband is the un-sung hero of our home! I may be the most “hands-on” parent, but he is there supporting us in all we do. Maybe I need to write a letter,too!
Oh I bet he would love it if you did, Shannon! (even if quietly. ;)) XO I’m sure you’re both amazing!
Yes. Me too.
This is my husband and me and it’s only been ten years (2nd marriage), my kids and his grown kids and him running 2 businesses and me keeping our large home with 4 dogs and my 2 kids together. I often feel I have to excuse for being exhausted when he’s so busy but your letter explains our relationship. Thank you for sharing and making me feel somewhat normal and okay.
This is beautiful. Thank you so much. I’m not at this place right now, but will use it as a springboard to write to my husband.
I’m actually in the opposite boat of this letter and so it hurt horribly reading it. We are going through a tough season in our lives right now. This is a subject that has come into the glaring light. For both of us. I had no idea how resentful I had become toward my husband who has seemingly taken me for granted for the past 15 years or so. (We’ve been married 17yrs now.) We are now seeking counseling. And I’m wishing desperately that we had begun counseling years ago. But it took a devastating “earthquake” in our lives to shake things up and wake him up. Basically, life sucks right now. But I have hope for our future. In the end, we have love. And I’m beginning to see some light and hope again.
I am so so sorry, D. I hesitated even writing my letter, knowing that there are people out there in your shoes…I’m just so sorry and so glad you are headed to counseling and you can still have hope. To be honest, I have struggled much in my marriage feeling taken for granted as well…And some of my complaints are legit. But it is when my perspective has shifted that I just realize how much I’ve overlooked in my complaining. I’m not saying this to minimize your situation or say that your perspective is off, only to paint a fair picture for you. I want you to know that what I wrote isn’t because I have some ideal, perfect husband, but because he is a good man and in my own complaining and feeling taken for granted, I have often overlooked the underlying good man that he is. (I hope that made sense.)
Keep working on things and I pray that you will have breakthroughs and a happy future ahead!!
You aren’t alone being in that boat D. I felt the exact same way you did I reading this post as I too am going through the same thing. Wishing you all the best with your journey.
Your letter is beautiful, Monica! Oh how I wish I could have written a similar one to my husband. Two and a half years after my world was shattered I still pray we’ll be back in a place where there’s trust, happiness, and real love.
Wow, thank you for the honest words. I will pray for you now too. Don’t give up! I’ve seen God do some serious miracles in broken marriages! Love to you and thank you for begin brave to comment!
I love this! Your beautiful words almost brought me to tears. I wanted to write a letter to my husband and put it in his Christmas stocking…then it became an idea for New Year’s Eve…maybe I will actually get it done for Valentine’s Day. (All of this only emphasizes how busy life is and how much more this letter is needed.) Thank you for sharing this very personal letter to inspire me to finally write my own!
P.S. I have not read ‘Love and Respect’ but my husband did while deployed three years ago – It was a marriage changer, and he highly recommends it!
Thank you guys so much for sharing! It’s so true how kids seem to get our best in this season and we have to really make an effort to give our husbands even more. But my guy will be here after the kids have grown and gone (God willing!) and I try to keep that relationship going with laughter and private jokes only we get and the once a year anniversary overnight trip that takes so much effort to do with childcare and dog sitting. But it’s so so important. Thanks again for the reminder!
Beautiful! I actually wrote my hubs a love letter a little like this and gave it to him New Years Day. The theme of it was the things I think but never say. I filled it with all the positive things I think about him but just dont take the time to verbalize. Unfortunately I’m quick to speak when I need to point out a flaw or wrongdoing. Sounds like I’m not alone. After writing it, it made me realize that EVERYONE in my life should hear the good things I think of them more often. Thus began a New Years Resolution… 🙂
Thank you for sharing this very real yet very eloquent letter.
Xo tomi
Good for you Tomi!! I’m so glad you’ve written your letter, and I bet he loved it! I agree, speaking well of our husbands to others is also a huge blessing. Way to go and keep it up!! Aloha-