5 Tips for avoiding Mother’s Day Disappointment
Aloha Friends! So…I was not planning to publish this post again this year. Since I wrote it a couple of years ago, and shared it again last year, I thought I’d take a year off. 🙂 But the Today Show Site just published it on their Parenting page, and I had a number of readers tell me they hadn’t seen it before…So, I thought I better share it… It has been one of my most read and shared posts (top 10 at least), and it is truly an important message. So I hope you enjoy it for the first time, or maybe the third!
AND if you have a half a second…would you consider popping over to the TODAY SHOW WEBSITE where you might click on the “Vote up” button, or comment, or share it on social media? (Thanks! Those big sites are funny that way — you have to get a lot of action for it to be shown to a wider audience. 🙂 )
I still hope to be back later this week with a special dessert just for moms… (something just healthy enough to keep your kids’ away from it, but just delicious enough to feel like a true Mother’s Day splurge….) Be sure to come back!
Without further ado–Here’s my (apparently annual) Mother’s Day message…from my heart and home to yours!
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY WEEK!
So…it’s safe to assume that we’re all focused on taking care of our own Moms this week, right? We’re reminiscing about special times with our moms, and sending them sweet notes or gifts, and maybe planning to do something nice for them on Mother’s day.
Because that’s what grown-up, thoughtful women like us do, right?
I mean, it would be totally selfish of me to be thinking about myself right now…dropping heavy hints to my husband and children, and hoping that maybe my family will remember to spoil the living daylights out of ME on Mother’s Day.
(Wouldn’t it?)
But here’s how it typically goes: And this is just me, because I know that you’re waaaaaay more mature than I am.
Each year, I start the pre-Mother’s Day week well: I send cards, order flowers, or whatever Dave and I are going to do for our moms…And it never fails, that sometime during the week one of the kids in my family asks: “What do you want for Mother’s Day?” To which I say something like, “Oh nothing. I just want to spend some time with you guys.” Which is really a dumb thing to say because that’s pretty much what I do every day of the week, and well…you know.
What I really meant to say was “I want to sleep in, go running, and be taken out for breakfast lunch and dinner. I also want a clean house, a few gifts, and a massage. Oh, and some chocolate.”
But of course I don’t say any of that. In fact, I try not to consciously think any of that, because that is soooo selfish and greedy. And that just isn’t me at all. (no comments please.)
So Sunday-Mother’s Day comes around and I’m mentally prepared to not think about myself. I give myself some pep-talks about being unselfish and content, and I almost believe it.
But somewhere deep down in me there is that thing. What do they call it? Hidden expectations? And as hard as I try to stuff them, they begin to bubble up. By Sunday afternoon, I might just find them seeping out into full exposure and suddenly I’m in a sad state of self-pity. And in a really weak moment, I might have once or twice voiced my dark heart with, “Well, of course I said I didn’t want anything–Don’t you know that means I want everything?”
And suddenly the truth is out there: I really did want to be spoiled on Mother’s Day. I wanted me-time. I wanted food that I didn’t cook, and dishes that I didn’t do. I might have even wanted…presents.
But now I have no one to blame but my self for saying those words: “I just want time with you guys.” (Big liar.)
What I’ve learned: Well, I’ve got four kids now, and this is my 19th Mother’s Day, so fortunately I have learned a few things along the way. The good news is, my Mother’s Days are no longer a cause for anxiety, or disappointment. No matter what. And not that you need these, but just in case could use some tips, I thought this might be the perfect time to share a few things I’ve learned with you.
1. Plan ahead.
Don’t wait for Mother’s Day to decide that you really DO want breakfast in bed. Or to be taken out for brunch. Or maybe you want a day all to yourself on Mother’s Day (I’ve done it. It was super great.) PLAN AHEAD. Let your family know what you want and make your own arrangements if you need to.
2. Take the pressure off your family.
If there is something that you’d really love to have for Mother’s Day, why not do the shopping for your family? A restaurant you’d like to go to? Make a reservation! Know your family well, and be a realist.
Last weekend, while Dave and I were on a little date and we happened to go into the mall, I walked him straight to the perfume counter and grabbed the gift box of my favorite perfume and said, “Let’s get this for my Mother’s Day gift.” He hesitated for about a millisecond, and then with a very contented expression, pulled out his debit card and handed it to the sales clerk. I won’t open it until Sunday, but guaranteed I’ll love what I get!
3. Adjust expectations.
Seriously, expectations might be our worst enemy when it comes to holidays. Do we really imagine that we’ll have a carefree day on Mother’s Day when we still have a houseful of kids, laundry that completely disregards holidays, and (at least for me,) a husband that still has to go to work. We only hurt ourselves when we imagine that our day will be anything other than another Sunday, with a few little perks if we’re so lucky.
4. Make a rain check?
Some holidays are just inconvenient. This Sunday, my son has a surf contest, and my husband works. He still plans to take me out to dinner (he’s really good like that,) but the reality is, I’m not going to be walking around on flower petals all day. SO… I have already made arrangements to spoil myself a little after Mother’s Day: I made an appointment to get a massage next week (the first in two years–so YES! I’ll appreciate it,) and I’ll extend that time to include a few hours to myself.
The reality is that sometimes the restaurants are booked, or your kid is sick, or your husband completely drops the ball overlooks the day and you just need to say “No worries! I’ll take a rain check.” As far as I see it, any day can be Mother’s Day.
5. Keep perspective.
On a more heart-felt note: This past year I have spent time with moms who have lost children to cancer, or are themselves fighting a disease. I am praying for moms who are battling for their lives. Hello perspective: These things make me slow WAY down and realize that when it all comes down…I really do want to just HOLD and LOVE those kids that have made me a mom. I want to remember the man who teams with me to raise them. And I want to ENJOY them all.
If I can keep a healthy perspective at the front of my mind, then my Mother’s Day ought to be quite complete just hugging my boys every ten minutes until they can’t take it any more. No breakfast in bed, gift wrapped perfume, or day at the spa can compare to the incredible gift that my family is to me. Flaws and all.
So what do you say, Moms? Let’s face Mother’s Day with a plan, and some healthy perspective.
Now: Go have yourself a wonderful Mother’s Day weekend!**If this post has encouraged you, I hope you’ll use the social media buttons below to share with your friends! Thank you!
With Aloha,
Monica
So glad I read this! I was feeling sorry for myself, despite spending the day trying not to. Thank you x
Oh, so glad the timing was good! 🙂 Blessings to you as you head into a new week. XO
After years of disappointing Mother’s Day and even my birthday, I learned long ago to plan for my day myself! Very good tips here! They still aren’t perfect, most years, but a good day nonetheless!
I had a horrible Mother’s Day, yet again. And, I’m so thoughtful–really. I’m not just saying that. I’m always the one getting a room of balloons for my 9, 14, and 18 year old on their birthdays. Big dinners for their friends at a steakhouse, etc.
Just Friday, I decorated my daughter’s rooms in the colors of her upcoming college. I even went all the way to the university to get some swag.
I feel like my children are super ungrateful, but I feel like it’s my fault for being a bad mom or just not teaching them manners. My husband basically did everything. He made me breakfast and then we had to force them to come sit with us for all of five minutes. That’s it. No cards. Nothing. As you suggested (I hadn’t read this til now, after googling), I demanded gifts to save myself the heartache. I got 80 bucks (I asked for 40) to get a new purse and my husband bought some marc jacobs eyeliner from the youngest. The two oldest were despicable. Later at night, they “texted” me some really nice messages. But, now, I think my husband made them. I was happy at the time, but after scrolling through FB and seeing all of these smiling moms, beaming with children around them, I felt like utter crap. As if no one likes me, at all. I just feel like telling them that I’m not going to do anything for their birthdays anymore.
Seriously. My husband suggested going out to breakfast, etc., he did all the cooking, etc., but I didn’t want to go out in a zoo. But, I wished they would have at least gotten me a nice card. Nothing. It’s so disheartening. Sometimes, I don’t even feel like I have kids or I should just stop trying to please them.
Also , because of what I’ve learned in other years, I bought myself two large bouquets of roses from a wholesaler in the area so no one could mess that up. My husband is also not thoughtful at all, but I’ve trained him over the years and he’s afraid of incurring my wrath, so, he was ready to do anything to avoid “hearing it” from me. But the thought wasn’t there from anyone. I think they think I’m not the greatest mom. But, yeah, getting back to the FB, I know lots of FB stuff is exaggerated, but I tend to think a lot of what I saw yesterday was genuine. People did take the time to put aside time and thought for their mothers. They authored nice things about them.
I got nothing. No words, and a cash present that I demanded. In other years, I haven’t got anything from my daughters (they both have a lot of discretionary money). This year, to avoid the hurt, I simply demanded it. They were relieved because it took the headache out of it.
This. Mother’s Day is so incredibly hard for me as I don’t have a relationship with my own mother, my very new husband knows of this and knows about my botched first Mother’s day 10 years ago with my birthson, 2 of his kids like e with us all the time and we had the other 2 for Mother’s Day this year.
I will start by saying he is not romantically handicapped at all, he’s usually great with always showing love and affection. However, yesterday iade my own coffee, breakfast, bought my own yearly annuals to be planted, went grocery shopping for our mother’s day cookout, and all without a Happy Mother’s Day from the two kids that live with us filltime whom I cook for every night, shop for, have let oldest drive my car to get his hours in for his license, given my own money for gas, etc. I just feel that the acknowledgement was there. I am not their mother, nor do I want to be, but as a courtesy to say it, and husband didn’t guide them.
Thankfully my ex husband planned ahead and had taken the kids to get me a card and chocolates from them it was literally the only thing that saved the day, but now dealing with the feelings from the step kids.
I will get over it, but right now I’m wallowing in pity.
Hi Monica,
I really love this post! Before I read this I was bawling my eyes out. I don’t know why I was surprised considering that every year I ask for the same thing and I never get it. My husband usually goes fishing every year on the mother’s day weekend and he never thinks it is a big deal because my birthday is always a few days after mother’s day. So this year I was excited when I found out that he wasn’t this year. I was finally going to get the quiet day where I wouldn’t have to clean, cook or break up fights. Instead I woke up to children fighting and a husband on the phone not doing anything to stop the fighting. I spent the day cleaning and was so upset that I skipped dinner. I am not sure how to get my family to see that just because my birthday is a couple days after mother’s day doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve to be treated well on mother’s day. Unfortunately, while I do get presents on my birthday I spend that day cleaning and focused on my children because one of my daughters has the same birthday as me and another has a birthday 6 days after my birthday. I am not sure how I can get my children and more importantly my husband to realize that I should have a day where I am not responsible for all the cleaning, cooking and taking care of the children all day.
Sorry you’ve had a rough one, Raquel. Sounds like you are trying hard and just so frustrated…(and hurt.)
The only advice I can really give is to be very clear and objective (unemotional) in the future as you lay out your expectations to your family and let them know what you do and do not plan to do on such holidays. You don’t have to clean, you can go for a walk, or to the movies. You can choose what you do and you can take the day off. You can ask ahead of time if the family would please do A,B, and C, and if they don’t, it’s ok, you can still take care of yourself and have a sweet day, alone, with a friend, or at home with zero expectations but also choosing not to do your normal work that day. The house won’t fall apart if you take a day off, and your family needs to see that you are making your own well being a priority and you can hope they will respect that and maybe even follow long. 🙂 (Depending on the age of your kids, you might even need to arrange a sitter or something, but do what you need to do and quit setting yourself up for disappointment.) All the best to you and here’s to a new week ahead! 🙂
I think Mother’s Day is one day out of so
Many days of the year where we shouldn’t have to plan for
Ourselves . I think every woman deserves a card or a text or a phone call and a hug . And if your husbands or children forget that . I’ll say this for all of
Them . You are resilient, you are beautiful , strong minded, and important. Keep your head up and know that there’s a person out there that thinks the same . Whether it be me , a stranger ; a neighbor , a girlfriend , a aunt , a co worker, etc
Connect with those individuals. And keep moving forward . I don’t think your setting yourself up for failure by having expectations on one day . Just remember to get out the house and smell the roses yourself even if you didn’t get any from the ones who you love . Happy Mother’s Day ladies . Xoxo ?
I asked my 43 year old son for a card… it was all I wanted and I am working on asking for what I need. It is now Mother’s Day and I feel hurt, disappointed, sad. He will probably lie (not uncommon) and say it got lost in the mail. He lives about three hours away but never comes home. He also thinks my expectations are “not part of the current culture,” So I will spend another Mother’s Day in tears. I will not leave the house, fearful that one of my friends will ask what I got for Mother’s Day. Facebook makes it worse…pictures of loving children, grandchildren, roses. He is our only child, and he breaks my heart in so many ways.
I am so sorry Sharon! That is so hard, and you are not the only mom out there having a rough day. (I agree social media is not healthy for a time like this.) There is much more for you, and you can still find a joyful, fulfilling life, with the hope of your son one day recognizing how much HE HAS MISSED OUT ON, as well as how selfish he has been…Meanwhile I encourage you to put your chin up, connect with healthy people (maybe not today, it doesn’t sound like you’re up for it 🙂 ) and take care of yourself. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment anymore. I know it is easier said than done, but I hope you’ll own your Mother’s Day and every day and find joy in life even if your son is a disappointment! You are strong and you can do this. 😉
I so agree with you. Social media makes it way worse. I think it’s time to convey that Mother’s day is equivalent to birthdays, and we earned that right by giving birth. If we can’t be celebrated in the way in which we deserve, I suggest a Mother’s Day revolt. ; )
Yes I needed that. I was literally having a pitty party. My kids are very thoughtful but my husband is generally not. Not a bad guy….just doesn’t think about things like holidays bc he wasn’t raised like that. I, on the other hand was party to grade A spoiling of my own mother. Breakfast in bed, presents, and she didn’t have to do anything. This was bc our dad taught us how and did the pushing. Ironically he was a pretty difficult man in every other way, where as my husband is pretty easy going yet bad in the spoiling department. My only big regret is that my son isn’t being taught to treat his wife that way, and my daughter won’t experience seeing it. I try to teach them to put thought into things like that, but I don’t want to nag when it comes to me. But they try, and like you pointed out…I am so fortunate just being with my kids. Every day with them is a gift and I truly mean it. I still like silence and me time…lol. But you know what I mean. Blessed.
I get it Christie, I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself, my two kids ages 14 and 16, didn’t even say Happy Mother’s Day and I blame it on their dad for not making sure there is a card for me and to say something to them. Happens most years with exception of when they were young and cute and would make me cards. I feel like I failed or we both failed as parents. I did order out dinner and bought myself something but it hurts with the kids. My older daughter 26 still lives at home and it’s a hit or miss with her too. She will say Happy Mother’s Day but one year will give me a card and or gift and the next nothing. So I haven’t been going over my own moms house for the past few years but decided this year I will and I went with my older daughter and had a good time.
I think sometimes husbands and older kids just don’t think. Well I will wish you a very happy mother’s day. Hugs and happy dust.
I too was taught at an early age not to forgot these things, whether it was mother’s day, a parents birthday, or their anniversary. my dad or mother would always make sure I didn’t forgot. I have decided after this year There will be no more Mother’s Day for me I’m over it for real.
Lin I felt the same way, my kids are 14 and 17 and neither one said Happy Mothers Day. However, I don’t blame my husband because I know they are old enough to know better. If they can remember their birthday, then they can remember mine AND mothers day. I was so hurt last night, and today I realized how unappreciated I am.
I get what you are saying because mine are old enough too. I’m just mad because he could at least follow up with them. I know on Father’s Day I will pay for take out for him but I do mention to the kids oh Sunday is Father Day. I was brought up different where I was always reminded of bdays, anniversary, etc..
I understand how you feel, the same thing happened to me yesterday. I have 5 kids ages 18, 16, 14, 12 and 3. None of my kids wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. I blame my husband as well, every year I make sure my kids don’t forget Father’s Day and I try my best to make sure my husband feels loved and appreciated by me and his kids, sad that I didn’t get that in return.
So sorry for that. I told my husband I’m not celebrating it anymore. Of course he blames me for the way the kids are, but it takes two people to raise them. Sometimes the kids don’t listen to the mothers and are mean and he will step up occasionally but not enough. I did say to my kids yesterday thanks for the Mother’s Day card, just to make them think. My one daughter said “I did wish you Happy Mothers Day”, uh no you did not
I read this every year! It’s the reason why I not divorced and torturing my romantically handicapped husband. So again thank you for this. Now I can go enjoy my day
Thanks for your post, Monica. A friend of mine bought an inexpensive bouquet of flowers, added fillers from the yard, and created a beautiful bouquet. She showed it to her husband, smiled, and said, “Here’s your Mother’s Day gift to me.” What a wonderful example. Next year I’m going to do something like that.
What a wonderful perspective! Thank you for this article. I am sorry for those moms who lost their children to cancer and for those who have children battling it.
I came across this, via google…as I’m wallowing in my self-pity. My son is 19, still lives at home, and yet again, didn’t even say, “Happy Mother’s Day.” This started when he was little…my husband (a bit jokingly) always said, “well, you’re not MY mother…?” We’d have the conversation, and every few years, they’d both treat me a bit differently on Mother’s Day. (Sometimes flowers, sometimes a hug, etc.) I don’t really expect gifts, but FFS…a little word of encouragement on this ONE day would be great. Like, “Hey, Mom/wife…I know I’m an ass a lot, but you’re a great mom/wife. Thank you for everything.”
I even went so far as to get a super unique gift for my MIL. I was unable to go to the MIL breakfast, since I had to drive a way to see my grandmother. So, I gave the card, with the unique gift inside, to my hubby.
Gee, wife/mother of my son…thanks for also taking care of MY mother. Even though she’s not your mom.
Pity party in full force, y’all.
Oh ouch, Mere…I feel you there. Seriously, those are some legit grumbles. I think I’d have to sit that one down and give a big piece of my mind…Before buying myself something really special for mother’s day. I pray that you are truly strong enough to handle it and communicate needs and wants all year long. Every relationship is different, but I hope you are treated well int eh big picture. Much love from me to you–and I know you deserve it. (And God loves you very much, never forget. :))
I too came across this on google while trying to figure out if I am out of line for feeling this way. I am 6 months pregnant with my husband’s first child. I have a 6 year old from a previous marriage. I have what I would just summarize as “mommy issues”. We don’t get along 100%, shes rude and mean and pulls the whole “You’re not MY mother” thing as well, so she doesn’t ever really acknowledge my sister or I. So it’s basically left up to my husband to make me “feel special”. *I have to say, my husband is an amazing guy. I would pick him 1,000 times over. He said Happy Mothers day as soon as we woke up, but there was no gifts, no flowers, nothing waiting for me. No breakfast. No lunch plans. I toiled over a gift for my own mother and we visited her and I took her gifts over there. We went home, I took a nap because at 6mos pregnant, I am exhausted by midday, lol. He did let me sleep but he went and took a nap himself, too with my son in another room. I cooked dinner like normal, did dishes 4 or 5 times and then I broke down in tears. I told him I just wanted to be acknowledged. I made it more sound like I was upset about my mom. He left and came back with a card, a dozen roses and a bag of airheads (my most recent craving). He filled the card out right in front of me. SERIOUSLY? You didn’t think of any of this before I started crying? I’ve sent him links to stuff on Etsy that I want lately. I really want a Mala bead necklace, and I LOVE yankee candles. He could have done SOMETHING. But it’s like he waited for me to be in tears to kick it into gear. What the hell? And I’m pregnant with your first child here. I feel like I wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t worth the thought. You know mother’s day is coming up- why do you wait until the day of to go get a card? I go out of my way to make birthdays special and I had big plans for fathers day this year since I am pregnant. Now I feel like I don’t want to do any of it. Or should I still do it and make an example out of it? I don’t know, but I feel super resentful now. I feel sad. I feel disappointed. I feel like it’s my fault. Like I wasn’t good enough for him to acknowledge. I am not all about Valentines day, or sweetest day. I do- however- think Mother’s day is a holiday that needs celebrated. I have a Pandora bracelet and he always forgets I do, so I never get any charms for it. I feel like he would make fun of someone else for not going all out for their wife, but here he is doing it. I don’t know how to deal with this and not make it seem like I’m sitting here screaming “GET ME PRESENTS”. But jesus! I do want a present! I want you to hug me and tell me you love me and that I AM A GOOD MOM! Take me to eat so I don’t have to cook. Take me for a walk in the park and hold my damn hand! Give me a card that you took time to write something thoughtful in! Don’t just do stuff for me AFTER I cry, or don’t just do stuff because I told you that you should! Do it on your own! I want him to want to do it!
Katie–I hear you I hear you…You are not alone. Those feelings are super normal (I’ve had many of them myself.) I think as women we so easily attach OUR thoughts to our husband’s actions. For example, if he loves me, he would THINK of this and that and the other…Over time I learned that those are things I might attach with love but my husband doesn’t at all. His lack of thoughtfulness or consideration in those particular moments is not a reflection of a lack of love at all like it seems to me Instead, they are just highlighting his lazy/selfish side (also bad, but very different from a lack of love.) So yes he (husbands in general) are wrong for blowing it on Mother’s day, but we cannot assume it reflects their love or lack of love for us. Their love is expressed in very different ways, and often times quietly.
SO: Yes, your feelings are valid, but next year (next holiday, etc) you need to follow these suggestions ahead of time. YOU need to sit your husband down and communicate clearly what Mother’s Day means to YOU and how you plan to celebrate it. Let him know what would speak to your heart and give him time to fulfill that. If he doesn’t, you still need a plan for how to have a wonderful day. Tell him you will NOT be making dinner, so he can plan to cook or get takeout or take you out. Then don’t cook! 🙂 You might spend the day out doing something you enjoy, or with a friend. but don’t allow yourself to get stuck doing the normal things and bitter about it.
Hold loosely to your emotional expectations but still make sure you take care of yourself.
ALSO: It’s took my husband about fifteen mother’s days before things got easier. Men take time. It’s ok. Hang in there. Keep communicating. And be healthy/unemotional about it. That usually works best. 🙂 Hope something in there helps…
Keep me posted!
Thanks, Monica…I think a sit down is in order, for sure! <3
Hi Monica,
I wish I had read this before Mother’s Day and not AFTER. It would have saved me so much grief today. Thank you for sharing, for being so candid, and offering perspective. Your post has liberated me from setting up false expectations about this day. Mother’s Day do not shield us from the tantrums, forgetfulness, etc., but I am blessed that I have a wonderful husband and 2 amazing kids that I can still call my own.
So glad Esther–And I wish you a happy Mother’s Day all week long…(Find ways to treat yourself!) Blessings and thank you for commenting! aloha-
I lost my son nearly 4 years ago to suicide after retiring from a 20 year hitch in the Army. He was my sensitive child who always was so thoughtful throughout the year. My eldest son, caters to his wife, as they make the rounds to her parents …I may get a phone call the evening of…but I no longer wait for a phone call. I rarely expect him to call as we have not been close since he married 21 years ago. i feel we are like strangers and the phone calls are just too generic. so sad, as I sit alone without family in my life or friends to distract me on this day. I pray you all have a blessed mother’s day, any way you can make it happen. . .i didn’t have a good mom yet i always respected her and acknowledged her.
Oh I am so sorry Kathlene. I pray that you know that your mothering of your kids had great value, and even if you do not feel a reward now that you would hear God’s whisper telling you your value. I’m sure it is hard, but I hope you can find joy in your day too. Much love–
Absolutely agree!!
Enjoy these precious kids we get to call ours. No expectations guarantee no disappointment.
Loved reading this post. We are so on the same wavelength with this. It happens to be my 16th Mother’s Day as well and I decide to be pro-active this year. I’m getting all my errands and chores done today so that tomorrow I can be totally lazy. My husband and middle daughter are away for the weekend and won’t be home til later in the day but I’ll make sure there are things in the house that he can cook for me and for a change I’ll make the kids clean up the kitchen afterwards. 🙂
Good for you! Have a great day Susi!! Much aloha-
Thanks for the post, this was awesome to read. I have three very small children and our evenings and weekends go by all too quickly. My kids are too small to plan anything (3 years old and 2 one year olds) so I expect my husband to but he (doesn’t) forgets or gets too tired (he does work a labourous job but cmon…). Good to know I’m not the only one who feels I have to plan for myself. It just sucks because I have to plan for myself EVERY DAY! Ce la vie.
Happy Mother’s Day ❤️
Monica, I have been following you for some time and turned a soul sista, Amy, onto you who also has four boys. Despite that Amy and I are in different cities, we have chatted several times regarding your posts. I don’t think that there are a lot out there like you, Amy or me. We get you and appreciate you.
The Mother’s Day post moved me to reach out to you for the first time. I just kept reading it and nodding my head “yes”.
Thank you for sharing. It was right on in regards to my feelings. I have a daughter about to graduate high school and a son entering high school. Oh, they were both homeschooled prior to entering the system;)
I just want the family to all to hang out together. Grill, laugh, be goofy and swat a birdie around with a badminton racket, kick a soccer ball or play corn hole (hate that name).
We are not “common mothers” and have taken the higher and more difficult road. I can type that proudly. When mother’s compare their parenting style to mine regarding cloth diapering, family bed, extended breastfeeding, slinging, they defend themselves by saying “my children turned out okay”. I look them in the eye and say, “I wanted better than okay.”
Well Gena–So glad you meet you! 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to comment, and I just love to think you and Amy have chatted over my posts. One day I hope to meet both of you! 🙂
I hope that Mother’s Day is everything you want it to be, and I commend you on your “uncommon” parenting…Love your heart! Keep in touch, k? 🙂 Aloha-
Exciting planning for college. We just decided on the college for my oldest son. – Point Loma was one he got accepted, but priced a little too steep for us 🙁 what does your son want to study?
Is he the musical one? I have a good suggestion if it is 🙂
Blessings
Hey Julie, it’s a crazy time, right? My son has so many interests, he really isn’t sure yet. He does play piano, but unlikely that would be his major. I’d love to hear where your son is planning to go, and what your suggestion is for my boy! 🙂 Aloha-
Dear Monica,
Congratulations to you and LUKE! That’s so awesome. Also, have fun on the college search trip, I actually miss those, now that we are empty nesters. We did do the 8 colleges/universities in 7 day trip on the East Coast not too long ago, and while hectic, it was a great way to have one on one time with each child before they headed off on their own. It happens so quickly. Now, I’m just happy when they remember MOther’s day either by a call or card! 🙂
Good luck in Hollywood! You’ll do great! Kate Hudson has nothing on you!
Cheers, Penny
Wise words, indeed! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for this post and for keeping things in perspective for me. I enjoy your reading your blog so much. Thank you for sharing you life with us. Happy Mother’s Day!
Thank you Sarah! That means so much to me! Thank you for taking the time to comment. And big Happy Mother’s Day to you, too! 🙂 Aloha-
Haha, so much truth! Great post.
Congrats on going to Hollywood! My friend, Tricia Goyer, knows the Lias. She has met with them several times about some of her books becoming movies (exciting!) and she says they are great. I know you’ll have a fantastic time and you’ll just love them!!?
Thank you Rebecca! Yes, I know Tricia (like, know her online only, and from reading her books:)) and she is great! The Lias are amazing–It’s going to be fun to connect! Aloha-
Holy Bananas, HOLLYWOOD!!!!!!!!!!! Look out, this is the big time. I suggest you wear whatever makes you feel beautiful and most like “you”. Think either date night or girls night out. Don’t forget to choose something that has a North Shore vibe. Can’t wait to hear how it goes!
Haha…Thank you Shannon. Funny, right? 🙂 I found an outfit that feels very “me” yesterday so I’m breathing a bit easier now. All good. North Shore vibe will come in the form of my favorite sea glass jewelry, and bright colors! 😉 Much Aloha to you sweet friend! xo
Great advice for birthdays too!
I totally agree!! 🙂 Thanks for mentioning!
Thank you so much for this! I have a nearly 4 year old and an 8 month old, and I have yet to celebrate my own Mother’s Day. Every year, the kids and I travel to spend time with my mother and younger sister (whose birthday is close to — and sometimes falls on — Mother’s Day), leaving my husband to enjoy the solitude I might have requested for Mother’s Day. Never had the thought of a “rain check” crossed my mind! Thank you for the inspiration 🙂
Thank you for bringing up SUCH an important topic. There is such a balance needed of taking time out of our busy schedules to recognize and honor special people in our lives, and Mother’s Day is a great opportunity for that. But the expectations have become so high that I think it overwhelms men, in general. Now, on a personal note, the first 10 or so Mother’s Days of me being a mom are bad memories. Here was the worst of them all: I had just given birth to our third son 2 weeks before Mother’s Day. My husband had never really had an interest in celebrating the holiday, saying I was acting like a “spoiled little girl” for wanting him to do something. Anyway, I thought by now, after celebrating the birth of our third beautiful son, my husband would have become more appreciative of my efforts as a mom. But on that Sunday morning, he just sat in front of the t.v. screen with our other two boys, and even with Mothers Day commercials on, he never even said “Happy Mother’s Day”. I was hormonal AND hurt. I went into my room and cried. I was also having some pain from an episiotomy so I put a message into my dr. and he called me back, saying he’d prescribe some better stuff for me right away. Then, as we said goodbyes, the dr. gently and tenderly said, “Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day!” I hung up and REALLY lost it cuz it just made me feel less alone and forgotten. Well, later that day, I shared my feelings with my husband, with tears attached. I told him I would be so happy if we could just go buy a new plant. He took me, after making me feel guilty for wanting to spend money! Ugh! That was the worst Mother’s Day of my life. Since then, things have improved slightly. Funny how God will often use children to teach adults life lessons. As my boys have gotten older, they’ve been asking dad what he is going to do for Mother’s Day and with a little push from them, my husband has been getting better. He is not the most sensitive husband but is a wonderful dad. I told him I’d be happy every year if I got nothing but time away from the house as a family. I honestly meant that and he has been willing to do that a few times now and I just love it. Moms – if you feel unloved at home, especially at holidays like these – know that God sees and you can pour out your heart to Him and He will tenderly care for you in these times – for me, it was through my doctor and children that God spoke His love to me.
Oh Sheri, that was rather painful to read…:/ but thank you so much for sharing! (God can use your story for sure!) So much of our life is a matter of perspective. You have been wise and patient and I’m sure the best days are yet to come!! Much aloha to you, and I hope you’ll stick around and make yourself at home here!
This is exactly what I needed as we head into Mother’s Day. My amazing husband of 20 years works extremely hard for our family, & unfortunately, that includes all weekends, making these types of holidays difficult. My kids who are 15 & 19 have been going through a very long all-about-me phase and I always end up feeling that much more unappreciated when Mother’s Day rolls around, considering how much I do for them on a DAILY basis. All I really want is to feel loved & appreciated, if not on random days here & there, then definitely on Mother’s Day. An ideal day would be a breakfast plus coffee made by the kids, a nice heartfelt note from each, chores done without being told, maybe even doing a little extra, a hug, playing a board game together, & ZERO ATTITUDE. No flowers, candy or jewelry needed.
This post got me thinking. Maybe I will explain to my husband that this is what I want so he can spell it out for the kids. And perhaps we can celebrate a few days early when we’re all together.
Thank you for this very timely post. ☺️
So glad, Lynn! Thank you for commenting. I’m with you…weekends aren’t the same when your husband works! We’re doing a Saturday night out this year. Hope you have a great week/day/year and take good care of yourself!! 🙂
Wow, I could have typed this myself. All the things you listed sound wonderful!
Fantastic article! My friend, every year asks me what I told my family what I want for Mother’s Day. And every year I tell her I’ve asked for nothing! It’s a made up holiday….my kids and husband treat me well most days and help me when I need it or ask for it…whether it’s housework or time for my scrapbooking or some extra hugs and kisses. However on this Mother’s Day, it’s Sunday and that is always laundry day. I get to NOT do laundry or cook or clean…and I feel fine scrapbooking or watching tv while everyone else is doing something!
This is great advice! I remember venting to you several years ago about a crappy day and you gave me some of the best advice: To voice my expectations of the day to my husband. Its worked out great! Things don’t always go as planned but then you can celebrate another day. Thank you for that wisdom. 🙂
Thank you for this! I really thought I’m the only one to feel this way! And have spent some Mothersdays resentful and jealous of friends’ FB posts! Thanks for your openness. It means so much to hear your message. It’s reminding me to be content, enjoy the family God has blessed me with and to take time spent with them (and duties I still have to do) as a blessing. …rather than resenting the husband for not reading my mind on what I really want!
Great article!! Totally agreed with your ideas. I’m disappointed because my boys 12 and 15 didn’t do anything except wish me a happy Mother’s Day. Their dad told them several times to make me a card. My favorite thing. Still they didn’t do it. it just feels like I’m taken for granted. The boys mean THE WORLD to me and I couldn’t love them anymore than I already do. Is it wrong that I just want to feel cared for and appreciated? ? I don’t know. Maybe next year… LOVE being a Mom though!!!!
Thanks for commenting…Maybe next year suggest that Dad sits down with them to help…Until they’re a bit older, it may be a bit much to put on them? (I mean, it’s totally do-able, but I still think dad could help make it happen.) Just a thought 🙂 So sweet that you love them so much and you can keep perspective, but I would love to see them rise up and bless you in return!! xo aloha-
you nailed it !! thanks for sharing your perspective. I totally was on the same wave with you 🙂
Yes, God is so good in giving us healthy boys to raise (we must meet sometime – i think we have so much in common)
Bless you for your wise words of encouragement!
Yep, this is me! It wasn’t the worst day but having chatted with my kids (6, 4 & 2) I realized they didn’t really know what the day was about. And that was really more about how we as a family treat some of these celebrations (I’m very anti-consumerism so can sometimes miss the point). I decided if I wanted to have more of a fanfare about Mothers Day (and when I say fanfare I just mean a little bit of appreciation for what I do), I probably should be doing it for Fathers Day and show them what I do for my mother and for other celebrations as well. And the main message was that we as a family probably need to spend more time showing our gratitude to others and perhaps we weren’t. Good lesson in the end. xx
Thanks, I needed this. My MD did NOT go as I would have liked. But your last point really nailed it.
Thank you. I cannot believe I actually found the supportive words I was needing today. Mother’s Day is hard. I have to run a constant dialog in my head that this is just another day and that my expectations must be too high. I think I’ll read the blog again, and then maybe a third time!
I defintely needed to hear exactly this today. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Lovely post, thanks for the reminder at the end too…so many people struggling with heart-ache and it reminds me that I need to keep perspective. However, I can relate to EVERYTHING you said above 🙂
I think this is the first time I have ever heard something that makes since regarding Mother’s Day. Yes I want to spend time with my family, but I don’t expect to spend a lot of money( I,m unemployed) however a massage, pedicure, manicure, facial can all be done at home by your kids, husband, ect. All for free. No excuses!!!!!
When I am asked “What do you want to do on Mother’s Day (or birthday)? I don’t want to have to plan anything! That’s what I want! Plan something! Be creative! If I have to do the work to plan it, then it’s not a holiday for me!
I know what you mean…So then, you just tell your guy (or kids) in advance: Please begin making a plan so that I don’t have to! IT might take checking in a few times, but if they know that their job is to make a plan (and any plan will do!) then you’ll be much more likely to get your wish! Hope things go great this year! 🙂 Aloha-
This was SO ME! My husband only considered Mother’s Day as a day to thank HIS mom, not the mother of his children. Now, as a single mama, the expectations really do have to be nil, nyet, nada, because my kids have no money, no transportation, and their father has no desire to help them show their appreciation. But they feel really guilty about it. I’ve had to really learn to temper my disappointment and know that I don’t need flowers and me-time to know that I’m doing the best I can to raise these boys. (I have plenty of gray hair– it’s proof enough!) And I know that one day down the road they’ll appreciate what I’ve sacrificed to give them the best of everything. And at that point, there had better be pedicures and chocolate. 😉
I seriously needed to read this right at this moment. I was just starting to slip into the self-pity mode. Thanks for pulling me back into reality and reminding me of what’s truly important on Mother’s Day.
What about the in-laws who inform you that they are showing up for my first official Mother’s Day weekend and week after? They’re live a 2-1/2 hour flight away.
You tell them, I’m so sorry but we have plans this weekend. We would love to see you on Monday though! I was a mom and wife at 18 and never stood up to my in laws. I’ve learned that it’s ok to have boundaries with them, and its ok to tell them no. Please don’t wait 15 years like i did to learn this.
My husband was raised with 2 much older sisters, so I’m sure these types of holidays when he was growing up was always handled by them and he probably just had to sign the card (if that). So…I had to retrain him. But it took a few years to figure this out…
After spending my first few Mothers Day’s in tears, by myself with my kids, and angry at my husband for not knowing how important this day was to me, I finally just told him (at a different time of year) – Although I take pride in not being a ‘Princess’, It does hurt my feelings when I don’t feel an effort was put into this day. I told him I didn’t expect fancy gifts or overpriced flowers, but I did expect that he coach and help our boys to do something,…ANYTHING that involved a bit of effort, and not the morning of! A homemade card, brunch, or a potted plant for the garden,….anything so that they understand the importance of appreciating all that I do (and dad on fathers day) and so that one day they will do the same for their own wife/mother.
This year I did exactly one of your suggestions – I wanted a special brunch at a special location, so I told my husband and made the reservation myself. I then left it up to him to tell the boys, but that it was a ‘secret’ so at least they feel it’s a surprise for me and planned by them. There is no way my husband would have been able to guess that is what I wanted unless I asked/(told) him. My Mothers Days are now perfect.
You just validated all the feelings I feel so guilty about!…. Thx
Loved every sentence. Happy Mother’s Day!!!!!!!
I started to write something so similar last night but it didn’t come out as eloquently as yours. I feel the same & have to talk myself out of high expectations every year. Thankyou for writing this!!!
Mother’s Day is a difficult holiday. I lost my mom 21 years ago. I have a stepson that doesn’t live with me and my husband doesn’t want more kids. My husband hasn’t figured out that a part time stepmom should be honored. I’m going to have to just be honest with him, like you are with your husband regarding expectations.
Your article was very thoughtful. Thanks for sharing.
yes, Nicole, these men [majority] do not have ‘mom’ related on their radars.. Explain to him one time only what your expectations and thoughts are… After that, devise ways to make yourself happy on mothers day…and treat yourself accordingly, especially after your step-son visits…
LOVE your perspective, Monica, and love your perfume story.
I did something similar this year for my birthday, which was 2 days before Mother’s Day. I bought these cheap earrings and ring that I’d been eyeing for a while, and the night before my birthday, I gave them to my husband saying, “I bet this is something I might really love for my birthday.”
He then wrapped it with my baby and produced it the next morning. And guess what? I love my present. Just what I’d always wanted.
Love your other tips, too.
So true! After years of our hubby’s not doing anything for us (well except my little brother he is a sweet heart of a husband thanks to the coaching of his awesome older sisters hee hee hee) A few years ago my Mom, sister and 2 sister in laws decided we would go out for brunch and putzing around cute shops and leave the boys with the kids. We have had a great day ever since! This year my daring husband volunteers to be a counselor at a church teens retreat… I was like that is so great that you are doing that… good thing I already have plans or I would a bit upset but feel guilty because he is at a church retreat for teens!!! So I so identify with this!!!
Ok, now that’s just brilliant! What a win-win. Keep it up and thanks for commenting. Aloha!
Happy Mothers Day to YOU Monica! Thank you for being such an amazing role model to us all.
You have no idea how happy I was to learn that I’m not the only one in a house full of boys that may be disappointed on Mothers Day year after year… I’m definitely going to take a few of these ideas and make it a happy day for myself no matter what. Grateful!
Thank you Jana! So nice. I do wish you the best every Mom’s day! Much Aloha–
Monica,
This article is SPOT on! Thank you so much! I caught myself getting teary-eyed yesterday because it’s also my birthday weekend and my amazing husband wanted to plan something for me but I didn’t really know what I wanted to do this weekend. So he didn’t really plan anything. By the time I realized that what I really wanted was for him to take the iniative and plan something… anything (I truly don’t care what) … So that I didn’t have to do the planning for once – it was kind of too late. Plus my friend just lost her only daughter last week so I was feeling super guilty for wanting anything at all! I have all I need with my healthy children and awesome hubby. This article definitely validated my feelings but reminded me that he treats me well pretty much every day of the year. So, what if I have to call the restaurant to make the reservation.? No big deal. It’s all about attitude. I’m going to enjoy whatever we do on Sunday even if it is a little laundry! (And next year… I know what to tell him when he asks!:)
Have a wonderful Mother’s Day weekend!
Love,
Angela
Monica, you totally hit the nail on the head. This happens to me every year! Great advice, as always!
thank you so much. i hope you end up with an awesome day and a contented heart! 🙂 Aloha-
This is fabulous. I think as women we feel a lot of guilt when it comes to being assertive about what we want/need, but we’re getting better at asking for what we truly want – this post helps!
Warm Regards,
Alexandra
http://www.littlewildheart.com
Hi Monica,
I love your last bit on perspective! Isn’t that the truth. Blessings are all around us…This year, l will certainly try my best to give and send extra love to moms who seem to have a heavier load to carry.
xoxo
Leah
You are such a mom after my own heart, Monica! I absolutely used to make myself miserable with expectations. I grew up with a Mom who celebrated everything and a Dad who was a romantic and made sure she got gifts and we did nice things. I now have a husband who did not grow up that way at all and two sweet boys. I finally decided to adjust my expectations… a lot! And it has helped so much. I flat out told my husband that I didn’t need expensive stuff, but I needed him to take the lead in teaching the boys that this is important and will be to future wives, so listen up! They always make me awesome creative cards. I just want them to think ahead. I love the idea of taking a rain check too. We have both moms in town with us, so we usually focus on them. Hope you have a wonderful one hugging those boys and remembering God’s greatest gifts!
First off…Happy Mother’s Day!
I’m slightly bummed because I’m on a liquid diet, so I can’t have amazing food & hubby ‘s working on Sunday. He DID say he was taking my son to work with him, which is a huge load of stress off of me.(he’s a very large handful) 😉
So atleast I’ll have a less stressful day. 🙂
So thankful for that.
Enjoy your day!!!!
Eat something yummy for me! <3
So true…loved this post and totally identified with it! I am a single Mom and some Mother’s days it is my own expectations that trip me up…. It is also often my birthday on or just after Mother’s day, so my two boys (10 and 13)figure that they only need to do something about one of the two! Their Dad (who is wealthy beyond measure) refuses to assist them with Mother’s Day or my birthday, and they feel frustrated because they don’t have much money… But I usually give them some money and encourage them to make a card and they always come up with amazing gems… This year I am turning 50 two days after Mother’s day – and like you – I got proactive and saw a lovely watch and bought it and said that they can contribute to it, which they were delighted with. 🙂 Win-win! Also trying to shift my perspective and be grateful for the many blessings of health, family and friends in life here in South Africa!! Because my boys are my biggest blessing and gift from God, and although us Mom’s do like to be appreciated and spoiled – the mere fact that we have happy, healthy children is a precious gift!