In my recent post talking about the Anger-Lecture Cycle, I mentioned that one of the worst moments in parenting is being confronted with a behavior that absolutely warrants a consequence, yet being completely stumped as to what the consequence should be. In that moment, mad as heck, my mind often freezes. I see red. Smoke begins to billow out of my nostrils (not really, but maybe really.) I wish I could think on my feet, but I simply cannot. Sadly, this is a total set-up for mom to lose her cool. Being caught off guard can easily lead us to parent REACTIVELY…which way too often is in ANGER.
Have you been there? Does it happen too often?
That is a terribly frustrating feeling, but today I want to talk about how we can actually AVOID that entire scenario.
And that, my friends, is why today’s Vlog is so important!
I hope you find this short video helpful!
I have been really focused on using these pre-set consequences lately, and the truth is, giving swift consequences has been super hard for me! I’m not sure who dislikes consequences more, my boys, or me! As moms, we don’t like seeing our kids suffer, yet they need to learn from their mistakes. (What they DON’T NEED is an angry mom!) I have been watching my boys learn great lessons, and I have walked away without a hint of guilt or shame. (ahhhh.)
If you’ve got anything to add or share, this is your time! Comments, below! 🙂
If you have been blessed by this post, please share using the social media buttons below! Mahalo!
With Aloha,
Monica
I needed this video and your advice. I have an argumentative 8 year old who drains me mentally and physically at times. He even argues with peers which makes it hard for him establish friendships at school. It’s encouraged to know I’m not the only one dealing with this. I’m a Christian as well so I do pray a lot. Anyhow thank you for this!
Thank you for commenting Sabrina! I hope something in there helps you navigate and please stick around as we’re all in this together! Big blessings to you! xo
So as for the bickering, give a swift consequence, then offer then the opportunity to appeal at a later time…..how do you handle the appealing later? How do you rectify it if someone was truly innocent and had to deal with the consequence? Thank you. This is a big problem in our home, the boys feel that they did nothing wrong and are hurt by getting a consequence.
Great question Tracy. Sorry it’s an issue in your home–and you’re not alone, it is a common one. 🙂
I think when I say “swift consequences” I mean there is no denying: It takes two to bicker…so have something established as to what will happen if they get into things (and you know what level it is that is too much for your kids/family.) If they are hurt enough by consequences then they will learn a new way to work things out. 🙂 If you feel one is truly in the right, then you make the call, but if you think they are both at fault, then handle things that way, and consistently and over time you can hope they’ll figure out peaceful ways to compromise when issues arise. It is not easy. But you don’t need to lose the peace in your home over it. Talk to the kids about it. Let the know how it affects you. Ask them to work with you and explain to them the “why” of the consequences you will offer. Hope that helps a bit! Much aloha and keep me posted, k? 🙂
Hey Monica,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on these things. I am a Mama of three boys five years (almost 6) and under. The older two are bickering a lot and like you said it builds and then I lose it. It breaks my heart to see them being unkind or ungracious to each other. I like the dirty chore idea. I have a friend who puts her kids to work with the quote, “If you can’t play well together than you can work together”. Do you have other consequence ideas to pass out to each child when the bickering begins? Thanks for considering.
Hi Monica,
Watching your vlog again about anger. 🙂 Our 11 year old is really trying to push the boundaries lately. When I give him a ‘dirty job’, leave him, later go check on him, he then starts to get sassy again (and not in a good way – haha). I add another ‘dirty job’ on top of the current one, try to leave and He continues to be sassy. What do you do?
Thank you for you time!
Christina
Christina,
That is hard stuff, I understand. I think the first thing I would do is find a moment when everything is good, and have a little chat with your son. Let him know how it makes you feel when he speaks to you that way, and that you want him to grow up being respectful to all people, etc. If you can make that connection and get him to see that it is wrong in a moment without conflict, then when the situation comes up again, you can remind him of your talk. It won’t necessarily end the problem, but I do believe that making that connection will give him greater sensitivity to what is going on.
Also, I think that the dirty job may not be enough in this case. If a dirty job leads to sassy talk, I would remove a privilege immediately. Calmly let him know that he just lost his iPod, or bike, or whatever he loves the most of the day, and any more sassy talk will mean he loses it for a week. That is usually the most powerful. 🙂 Best of luck to you!
Thank you so much Monica! 🙂
My children are not sassy, but argumentative and just can’t stop talking (or arguing) when it is time to stop, or when I have made a decision.
When they are arguing with each other, two effective things are: sending them to a non-fun room together and they cannot come out until they have resolved the problem to the satisfaction of both parties, and tying one leg of each together (think three legged race), and sending them outside for a walk around the block. They thankfully don’t want to embarrass themselves further in public, and typically arrive back home giggling. If not, another lap. However, these are both consequences of LAST RESORT in my mind. They are effective, but they take up a lot of time, often time that we don’t have.
The part about a swift and ready consequence is the challenge. Here are some ideas that I wonder what you think about? For the child that just cannot be quiet (disturbing others’ work, talking to the exclusion of the task at hand, or talking when it is just really time to be quiet, i.e., just to make noise) I am thinking about picking a chapter of scripture (or other recitation, like a collection of famous speeches) and sending them alone to a room to recite in front of a mirror. As in, “Since you want to talk so badly, I have the perfect opportunity for you…” What do you think of this idea?
The other idea I thought of for the arguing with each other that spills into he-said-she-said, but, but, but, that’s not true, he’s lying and now they’re both yelling at mom (who hasn’t been able to get a word in edgewise)… is to have a script or set of scripts (does anyone know where to get such a thing?) of sufficient length that they would go enact, of kids (or maybe aliens?) arguing horribly and with no positive resolution, but in ways that are completely unlike their own arguments so that it would seem absurd to them and they could maybe see the folly of it, and how much they don’t like being subjected to arguing under those conditions.
We do have a rule, but getting them to abide by it has been a huge challenge:
1) Only answer your questions. (Not the ones I ask your brother.)
2) Only answer the actual question I ask. (Not the ones you feel like you are going to die if you absolutely cannot tell.)
Also, regarding the lecture-cycle, sometimes when I have my wits about me after too many reminders, I say to him/them, “Okay, what am I going to say right now?” 9 times out of 10, they know (I give them lots of guesses and hints if they don’t), and I say, “Good, now spare both of us the lecture and please go do it (or stop doing it).” This completely removes the lecture component, though not always the argument or follow-through component. I think a few times I have made a child lagging in follow through get up and verbally give themselves the lecture, and the absurdity of that has gotten through.
But what do you think of the two ideas I mentioned above?
Thank you Elizabeth! I completely enjoyed your comment and it sounds like you are a very creative solutions-oriented momma! Way to be.
I actually LOVE The idea of reciting a passage into a mirror! That is brilliant. Your second idea is also great, but again…would just take more time/effort and work on our part. Keep the ideas coming! I love it. Much Aloha to you-
Who knows if anyone will read this years later, but I just thought I would mention about them arguing with a set of scripts, my husband and I used to break into gobbles, like turkeys. When we were first married, if we were fighting we would gobble back and forth at each other. One, it would be so silly we would end up laughing and two, we would think the things we wanted to say to each other in our heads as we gobbled but since the other person never knew what we were actually trying to say we could “get it all out” with out saying anything mean or hurtful. Might work for kids too. Lol
That’s hilarious! And pretty practical too. Great idea. Thanks for sharing!
Mahalo! I needed this video today! I’ve been struggling lately to not be the maniac parent when it comes to anger and consequences and discipline. Our kids see our behavior as examples and I don’t want to teach that it’s okay to get crazy when angry, and believe me, my strong Willie daughter seems to know which buttons to push to turn me, also strong willed, into Crazy Mom. The pre-set consequences are genius and we will use that. I can even see switching out the consequences every couple of months so they don’t lose their effectiveness. Kind of like how we switch chores every couple of weeks so boredom doesn’t kick in and set off another argument about completing boring chores.
Loved that! SO appropriate for what I am going through right now. THANKS
Hi Monica:) I have recently been diving into any & all parenting advice I can get my hands on (not sure if it is related to my super spirited 2 year old daughter or end of summer sibling squabbling). I have taken so much away from your posts …and now vlogs. I just watched the “finding your passion” video & 100% agree that developing oneself 1st will make oneself better at everything else. I have always felt a little selfish when I would “develop myself 1st” and am now thankful because you have put it in such a positive perspective. Last year I turned a passion of mine into a business (www.staginggracedesigns.com) and, even though it has been a challenge to work into my every day life as a stay home mom …bc everyone else’s schedule trumps mine ….I am so grateful for the given passion & opportunities that have come from it. It gives me energy & definitely the patience to overlook spilled milk. Thank you for following your passion bc it has really blessed me 🙂
Thank you for sharing this. I thought I was the only one put there that did the angry mom lecrure. It made me stop and realize just how much I’m hurting myself and my son. I feel like a horrible mom. And thank you for pointing out different ways to do things before you blow your lid. God bless and keep doing what your doing.
Love this Vlog! Mi have gotten out if habit of having consequences posted since we moved. I’m going to put back up and use as you recommended! What specific “dirty chores” do you use?
Thanks again- you nailed it. And the better “plan” and more tools I have, I have a better sense if calm….thank you!
Thank you Valerie! (sorry for delay in responding–oops.)
“Dirty chores” are often things like cleaning the track on our sliding doors (tough job!!) or scrubbing out a bathroom that isn’t on their normal chore list. Of course that is for young teens, so for younger kids, I would likely use something not necessarily “dirty” but just “not fun,” like folding and organizing their drawers, or a kitchen project, or…really whatever I honestly need done at the time, haha. Might as well be practical!:)
(Cleaning the inside of my car is a good one too, but washing the outside is too much fun, so I don’t count that! ;))
This blog was so good. I really didn’t realize my triggers. I’m going to write them down ask God to work on helping me with those. Thank u I thought I was the only one who felt I have let God down with the treasure He had blessed me with and Him. My yelling does hurt after I’m pushed and pushed. Thanks again I appreciate ur honesty
As a crazy sting willed mom of an equally crazy strong willed 5 year old, I look forward to reading ur posts !!!
So glad to hear that! 🙂 Aloha
Thanks so much for the stories and tips. This for me also, has been something I’ve struggled with for awhile. I have tried lots of things, but it is a very hard thing for me to be rid of completely! One other thing I like to do is for sibling fights – they have to do each others’ chores, or some kind of service to that sibling (eg. read them a story if they can’t read, or help them clean their room). I also set an alarm every night to make sure I get to bed at a decent hour and have some post-it notes up like “calm consistency” and “children are an heritage of the Lord”.
Love this too, Monica… my baby is too small for “consequences” like this yet, but it reminds me a lot of classroom management in teaching (I teach high school), and it definitely works.
~Corinna
Great video! I’ve been working on setting up my “pre-set consequences” for the past two days since watching your VLOG and finally have them written down and will be doing my best to implement them as needed. I’m planning on having some mommy and Brock time tonight after swim and talking with him about behaviors and consequences. Now, he is 4 soon to be 5 so I’m not sure how much he will grasp or remember the first time around but hoping it will start to all click soon. I figure talking it over with him gives him fair warning as to how things will be when he misbehaves. We tend to have a breakdown (normally in public) when I tell him what his punishment will be. For example, the other day in a store he was misbehaving and I told him no tv for the rest of the night and he threw a complete tantrum to which I then said well, if you behave the rest of the time in the store, you can watch a veggie tales. BUT I compromised to stop his meltdown because people were staring, etc. (I struggle in that area) so I still have a lot of work to do but hoping I can stick to my consequences so he will learn from it because now, he knows that if he throws a tantrum or sweet talks me, he can go from no tv to veggie tales (my “give in” on no tv and veggie tales has happened way more than once sadly so he thinks his consequences are negotiable)
Thanks,Monica! Great advice…
I try very hard to give calm consequences and sometimes I succeed. I am really working on calm, consistent consequences. The books from The Love and Logic series have helped me in both parenting and classroom management. I find them to be an excellent resource and an enjoyable read. One thing I have taken from those books for use at home and at school is the fact that consequences don’t always have to be immediate. It is alright, when angry or emotionally charged by the situation, to tell a child that there will be a consequence, but you’ll need to think it over and get back to them. I try to have my stand-by consequences for the little common things ( chores undone, sibling fights, wasted time, unkind words) but for larger infractions I need to step away and think it over. I love the idea of the dirty cores-especially for my little guy who can’t stand dirty hands!
Thank you Shannon. Yes, the Love and Logic books are awesome!
And SUCH a great reminder–you can wait on some consequences. I’m thinking it is more me in that moment wanting to make sure the gravity (or my perceived idea of the gravity) of their infraction is felt by dolling out the consequence. 😉 haha. Sometimes very good to step away. Thank you. (I bet you’re such a great teacher!!!”) aloha