We’ve all heard it: We’re not supposed to label our kids, right? That’s what the experts say anyways. Still, at some point most of us end up referring to them as “the studious one,” “the athlete,” or “the comedian of the family.” There is something about assigning a label that just seems to come natural to us as humans.
But there is another way that we label our kids without even realizing it, and it can be really dangerous. We speak labels right over our kids; especially when we are correcting them. We use name-calling to provoke change. Or assign a label, subconsciously hoping it might shame our kids into fixing their bad habits or character flaws.
But sadly our name calling usually does just the opposite. In fact, use a label enough times, and it won’t be long before your kid just settles in and owns it. It becomes a part of their identity.
I’ve been as guilty as anyone:
“Your clothes are all over the floor! How lazy can you be?”
“Focus on your schoolwork! You’re so easily distracted.”
“You’re much too critical of your brother.”
“Quit being a brat.”
(#notproud)
Sure, we say these things out of frustration. And often, they seem pretty much like plain objective truth. But words can do damage, and even if what I’m saying is the truth (yep, he can certainly be a brat,) calling him one certainly won’t bring out the best in him. I’ve never heard of a naughty kid turn angel because Mom called him a brat enough times.
While I was in California for my girls weekend last month, I was complaining about sharing with my friends about something in one of my boy’s behavior. I don’t remember what I said, but I must have accidentally used words like lazy or distracted or brat, because they said…Monica Monica Monica, and then went on to ever-so-graciously remind me of the much better way to address my kids. They call it…
Speaking Life.
Speaking life is finding the positive traits that we see within our kids, and affirming those qualities.
“Speaking life is naming out loud the things that you believe your child is becoming…even if they aren’t “there” yet.” {<–Click to Tweet this!}
Speaking Life is full of love, respect, and a certainty that God is doing a great work in your children’s lives.
Let me be clear: Speaking life isn’t about overlooking negatives or being phony in any way. Many situations still call for appropriate consequences or a word of correction. But this I know: A few powerful words of LIFE to a discouraged child, can often do more good than ten time-outs and a week without video games.
Mom and Dad: Your words are powerful!
When you encourage the positive traits that you do see in your kids, (even if it’s just a spec of a seed of a trait) it will inspire them to grow and develop the good more and more.
If you’ve found yourself in the habit of name calling or reactionary parenting, I encourage you to try using your words to Speak Life. The results might blow your mind. I know it, because I’ve been working on it myself.
To the son with a lazy streak, I can say: “You are a hard worker and self disciplined in so many ways. I really love that about you! Now, I want to see you apply those great qualities to how you take care of your room. Show me what you can do!”
To the one critical of his sibling: “You are an encourager. I have seen you be an encourager to you friends, and you have encouraged me in some really big ways! I can’t wait to catch you encouraging your brother in the same way. Don’t be ripped off of such a powerful gift. Use it!”
To the distracted child: “You have amazing focus when you want to–I’ve seen it! I believe that it won’t be long until you apply that focus to your school work. You’ll be flying through your studies then!”
To the one who acts bratty: “I know you have a sweet heart inside of you. Mommy loves it when you obey and get along. You make me really proud when you make good choices.”
And the really fun part is when you see the kids owning the new names you’ve given them. New identities are born.
Just today: As I walked to my desk to finish this post, I had one more chance to practice this stuff: One of my older boys was frustrated with little Levi (who was being quite naughty toward the big brother.) I heard the older boy handle things poorly, and it made me cringe. We’ve been over this ten million times, (if not more.) So, I called big brother over to talk. In that moment I almost said things like how foolish can you be? Snapping at Levi won’t solve anything! And maybe end it off with a real doozie: “When WILL YOU LEARN!?”
Because trust me: I’ve said those things before. Plenty.
But I couldn’t do that when I’m in the middle of writing this post. So, this is what I said:
“Buddy. You’re better than that. You are smart. You are creative. You have it in you to react to that little guy with patience and wisdom. Please practice being who I KNOW YOU ARE. Ok?”
Because in that moment, my son didn’t need shame. He needed to be reminded of who he is.
And after I said those words, he stood tall, and smiled. And he said “You’re right mom.”
And then he walked away, like a young man who is smart. And creative. And patient. And wise.
Friends: Your kids have amazing traits inside of them. Sure, they are mixed in with all kinds of lazy, bratty, and other less desirable qualities.
But the real question is: What qualities will grow to become their identity?
I believe that the answer is–the ones that are most reinforced.
Here are a few of my favorite names to call out:
Leader. Responsible one. Helper. Hard-worker. Great listener. Brave. Thoughtful. Patient. Obedient. Understanding. Attentive. Creative. Positive. Sincere. Smart. Humble. Generous. Faithful. Industrious. Gentle. Fun-loving. Funny. Kind.
Pick a few new labels to stick on your kids this week and watch them blossom!
Here’s to speaking life!
A couple books you might enjoy:
Shepherding a Child’s Heart
Parenting the Wholehearted Child: Captivating Your Child’s Heart with God’s Extravagant Grace
Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
(affiliate links)
XO
Aloha,
Monica
I needed this post today! Thanks Monica for sharing the wisdom God has given you. And how sweet is little tiny Levi!! ?
Thank you Sally!! You’re such an encouragement…and a great mom too! 🙂 And yes, little Levi…seems like that was yesterday. 🙂
I have been doing this over the past few days since reading your re-post and my boys have really responded to it. Not only that, but it has changed my attitude towards them as well. Thank you for this great post!
Yet another beautiful piece! I appreciate how your own your reactions and turn them into a life lesson for yourself and others 🙂 Thanks for sharing!
A VERY powerful concept, and a huge encouragement when someone really believes they are a failure. I know firsthand, how being reminded of the real person I am and can be, is life-changing.
As said, this doesn’t take away from discipline and speaking strongly when there is wrong attitudes and behavior. I believe both are needed, and have different roles, but the words of life is a crucial element that can be easily overlooked. And they will never be forgotten by the one who hears them.
Great post… I often cringe about what flies out of my mouth in the heat of the moment and that does not help matters.
I know, me too. Being aware of our words is the first step, and for me anyways, continual reminders help! 🙂 Much aloha-
Thanks, Monica,
I needed reminding of this. Called my younger son some much worse things than brat last week. And it was the absolute truth, he was being plain awful at the time, but that’s not who he is most of the time and I need to get back to reinforcing the good in him because it really does work. He’s 12 now and adores me most of the time (when we’re not fighting head-on) and still loves cuddling on the couch and having me read him bedtime stories (although we’ve finally moved on from Enid Blyton) and chatting with the lights off, but back when he was six I really only liked him when he was sleeping. He was going through a terribly destructive phase and I didn’t react well to any of his bad behaviour which made it all worse. We had a few sessions with the school counsellor and around the same time I remembered the faith verse about “speak things which are not as though they are”, so every night at bedtime I would pray over Sam and thank God for his kind heart and gentleness and loving attitude etc even though I saw very little if any of that in him each day. Sam heard my prayers and really has grown into a wonderful boy, owning those qualities most days even if they’re hidden behind a stubborn attitude some days 😉
Thank you so much for this post!! We’ve been struggling with these very issues and I believe this post was an answer to my prayers. Thank you for being so honest and candid and so very much inspiring!!!
How I wish I had known such a powerful technique when raising my own children, 50 years ago.
I feel blessed to have received this from one of my daughters as she thoughtfully raises her own 12 and 10 y.os. Thank you.
Loved this one Monica. A good reminder as I am in the middle school years with my boys. I will be putting this into practice! Thank you 🙂
Oh boy…I’m gonna have to ask the Facebook crew because I have no idea! ;). I’ll get back to you if I hear any good replacements for dried milk!
Beautifully written and thought provoking. A great reminder to all of us to focus on the positive.
Loved this! I am one who firmly believes in “speaking life” over my children, however I had fallen into the trap of “labelling” my children without even realising it. What a wonderful reminder….not to mention some great examples of “words of life” and “blessing” to speak over my kids! God bless your week!!
I just discovered your blog & am so glad I did! Im a Christian mom of 2 boys, and have already loved reading a bunch of your posts just tonight. I was reading your about me section and discovered a typo in your beautiful words, and wanted to let you know so you could fix it :).
“Oh–and before any of (it,) I love God and cannot even believe His goodness to me. He is the reason for anything good you see in me, I promise.”
Thank you Stephanie!! So glad to “meet” you here and happy that you have been able to read through some posts. I have been meaning to re-do my About page, but in the meantime, I better get over there and fix that, haha! (surprised you are the first to let me know!) Much aloha and I hope you stick around! xo
This was great to hear today, thanks Monica!
Lucy
I loved this post and shared it with my friends and family. Really, really good stuff – THANK YOU!
Convicted and encouraged. Thank you!
I love this post and really needed this reminder! I do often fall into the trap of pointing out the negative qualities I’m seeing in my kids instead of reinforcing my kids’ positive qualities. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard the song “Words” by Hawk Nelson. That is my prayer, to speak to my kids the way Christ would, and that is my prayer for you and every other mom out there. It’s not easy being a parent. I taught elementary school for 12 years and thought I would find parenting easy after that, but in many ways it’s easier to teach a whole class full of other people’s children than to teach my own. Thank God for 2 Cor. 12:9 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Amen! Great words and thank you for the sweet prayer (I need it too!) I can’t think of that song so now I need to go look it up. I can already tell I’ll love it! 🙂 XO
<3<3<3 SPEAK LIFE……. Our tongues are LIFE or DEATH!!!!! I choose LIFE :)) thank you Monica we are all so blessed to have found you and that God speaks through you to us right where we need it most :)) XXOO
When/if I have bambinos, I hope I’m half as good a mum as you are. And in the meantime, this can apply to almost any relationship. Great reminders for folks like me who were blessed to inherit a bit of that Irish temper!
Thanks for reminding us of what great parents we can be and the important role we can have in our kids lives, , perspective can get very cloudy when dealing with the day to day challenges.
Thank you!! Can you just set this to send to my inbox every single day?! Definitely taking this to heart!
Your posts seem to always come at the right time! This is a great one!!
I love the “practice being who you know you are.” The whole idea behind reminding them of who they are in a positive way resonates so much with me. Thank you for this post. I think we all focus on the negatives sometimes and need a reminder to keep things in perspective and remember what good and wonderful individuals our children are! Sharing this one with friends 🙂
Hi Monica, GOD gave you a lot of Wishdom and a wonderful beautiful kind heart. With your Wishdom, your family will be safe and happy in God hand.. Love to read your though.. And I respect you very much.
Thanks for the reminder Monica. Great advice. I needed this!
Wow- what a powerful post! Thanks for encouraging all of the moms out there.
Thank you for these words, I sometimes find it difficult to talk like that but I will do it as I need a change in my son’s attitude, but I have realized this is something he quickly grabs: m
Pinning this! I absolutely adore it. Awesome job in explaining and giving examples 🙂
Warm Regards,
Alexandra
http://www.littlewildheart.com
Great article, and I most certainly agree. I just wanted to point out that you misspelled studious….thought you might want to correct it.
All I can say is THANK YOU. This post brought tears as I know the holy spirit spoke to me through your words, and reaffirmation of what I know to be true. I needed this today!
LOVE this idea! I find that I often back paddle and speak the positive traits after highlighting the negative, which I am sure is far less effective in the moment. This is a much more affirming approach.
I love this post! What a great strategy to turn around their behavior! I will definitely be using this! Thanks!
I love this post! So many things I’ve read like this just make me focus on my failures and how bad I am at all of this. The real examples you include here are so helpful to me. My older can be so focused and work so hard on his fantasy football team. 🙂 I can’t wait to see him apply those skills to other things. Thanks Monica!
Thank you for this post! I struggle with this daily. I have a challenging 14 year old & I find it really hard to understand why he acts the way he does. I’m very guilty of this & appreciate a different perspective on this. <3
Great post, Monica! This is something I most definitely need to work on. Thanks for supporting and encouraging us moms!
Hello hello, wow, i really need to do this, as i call my sons as they perform, like when they fight underneath each other, they miss behave, they don’t listen and so on, now i can put all those words away and start speaking life. Sometimes i find myself saying words that should not be said to them and then i would always ask myself but do they learn from what i have called them – like you naughty, rude, disrespectful, uncalled for and so, they would still do the same and act the same. Thank you very much your blog, weekly post really helps me to see things in a very different way in bring up my four sons, i will apply this truly.