It’s been two years since I wrote the post, “What a Teenage Boy Needs most from his Mom.” The two teens that I referred to in that post are now 15, and 17 years old, and I’m happy (and relieved) to report: They’re still doing great. I honestly couldn’t imagine a better experience raising teen boys than what we’re in the midst of now. (And it’s a good thing because son #3 will become a teenager in a few short months…)
I know it’s not always so smooth though. Since writing that post I have received hundreds, even thousands of emails and messages from readers. And though every story is different, there are some common themes that show up over and over again.
The concern I hear most is related to teens pulling away from their family. Isolating themselves and spending all of their time with friends or alone in their room. Growing cold in the very relationships that used to be warm and close.
Most of us expect kids to become more independent during their teenage years, and we know that is a healthy thing. But none of us want to see the child we love grow up to be a teen who isolates himself from his own family.
Could it be a stage? Yes. Are there a hundred factors that might be influencing this? Yes. Can we control everything? No. But are there some things we CAN DO…or perhaps CAN AVOID DOING…that might be pushing our teenagers away? ABSOLUTELY.
Below are seven common ways parents can push their teens away (without even knowing it). And the good news is– none of these are too hard to adjust, and a few small changes might make a world of difference!
1. TREATING THEM LIKE THEY ARE STILL KIDS.
Teenagers want to feel grown up, and they’ll usually gravitate to where they most feel that way. The more we make them feel respected and mature at home, the happier they’ll be there. Even if they still act childish at times (because they will) it is our job to encourage and call out the emerging adult inside of them.
So once our kids become teenagers, we need to adjust how we treat them…how we speak to them. It’s time to quit talking down to them, calling them by their baby names, and (for the love–) cutting their meat. It’s time to raise the bar, and inspire them to maturity. Look at your teen and relate to your teen like an adult-in-the-making and they will respond most positively.
{Funny aside: as I was editing the above sentences I heard my 12 (quickly going on 13-) year-old son in the kitchen yell at my husband, “Dad! I can put milk on my own cereal…GOSH!!” hahaha…be assured, I am writing from experience here!}
2. MAKING THEM FEEL SMOTHERED.
Keep in mind, the key word here is “feel.” What makes your teen feel smothered might be very different from what you think is smothering. Teens can feel smothered with questions or rules…with affection or just being in their business. And when teens feel smothered, they’ll want to flee.
Teens need to feel that they have some control over who is in their space. Including US. Yes, we need to be in authority and we ought to set firm boundaries well into their teenage years. But then we need to back off a little, and give teens room to figure things out. This means they might make some mistakes…miss some deadlines…fall down a time or two. That’s part of growing up.
So give your teens some space and then sit back and allow them to come to you when they need you. Because they will.
3. GIVING THEM TOO MUCH FREEDOM.
You might assume that being the cool parent and offering your teenager plenty of freedom is the best way to maintain a positive relationship, but it usually doesn’t work that way. Giving teens too much freedom too quickly can land them in social scenes that they aren’t equipped for, and facing peer pressure they don’t know how to handle. The end result can be a teenager trying to fit in elsewhere, and no longer wanting to be connected at home.
All teenagers need (and deep-down, want) boundaries. The best suggestion I have is to let your teen’s level of maturity and responsibility lead in how much freedom you give them. Help and encourage them to find positive social outlets, and give them freedom as they prove responsible. Also: keep in mind that sometimes teens ask to do things because they feel like they have to, but deep down they may not really want to. Sometimes they are actually relieved when a parent says “no”. (similar to what I talked about in my Sleepover Post.)
Though parents might assume their teen to want to rush out the door on weekends, some are quite happy to stay home and watch Netflix with the family. If so, welcome them: It won’t last forever.
Too late? If you think you opened some doors too soon with your teen, you can always pull back the reigns and let them know you need to reestablish some boundaries. Yes, it’s harder to back pedal but it CAN be done, and sometimes it can save a kid from a world of trouble. Your teen will likely thank you one day (even if not for a few years. ;))
4. BEING OVERLY CRITICAL
If your teen feels like every time they are home they are being picked apart by their parents, they will look for ways to not be home. There are always things to correct and criticize in our teens, but we need to choose wisely. Overlook what you can, and extend much grace.
Balancing our correction and criticism with healthy doses of encouragement is also super important. As we build up the positive things our teens are doing, they will be motivated to do more. We may assume our kids know how much we love them, but a few words of specific encouragement can go a very long way.
5. HAVING AN UNPLEASANT HOME ENVIRONMENT.
Whether you’re stressed out all of the time, fight with your spouse, or just walk around with a cloud of negativity over you, it is sure to affect your teenager. When they were younger they had no choice but to live with it, but teenagers are aware of the options, and they don’t want to hang out in an unhappy place.
So you might want to take a step back and consider your home environment. Maybe you’ve got some stuff to work through. Look for ways to make yourself and your home more pleasant, and you’ll be surprised to find your teenager might be in less of a rush to get out of there.
6. NOT LISTENING/SHOWING INTEREST IN WHAT INTERESTS YOUR TEEN.
Our teenagers have thoughts, opinions, questions, and concerns. Even the quietest teenager has a lot going on in their head. If you’re too busy to listen to your teen’s every day thoughts and ideas, they will look for someone who will, or they’ll learn to keep it to themselves.
We gain our teenagers trust for the big conversations when we’re available for the every day ones.
I know it’s hard when we’re busy and have a lot going on, but as much as you can, try to stop and listen when your teen has something to say. Try hard not to be distracted — looking at your phone or doing any kind of task. Stop and look your teen in the eye when they speak, and show them that you value what they have to say. This one intentional action can make all the different in the world to your relationship with your teenager.
{From our home: Just recently I asked one of my teenagers a question. He paused for a second, and by the time he began to answer, I was pointing to something on the floor and reminding him to pick it up. Then I walked away and was already in the next room when it occurred to me that my son had actually begun to answer my question…just as I was speaking right over him. I didn’t even hear his answer.
I went back to him to ask forgiveness, but the truth is: I probably do this a lot more than I even realize, and it’s something I want to work on.}
7. NOT OWNING UP TO YOUR MISTAKES.
Whether it fits in one of the categories above, or anything else, perhaps the worst thing we can do is not own up to our mistakes. During the teen years our kids figure out that we too are imperfect humans, (bummer!) and we aren’t fooling them when we are too proud to admit we’ve been wrong. They will lose respect for us, and begin to think of us as hypocrites.
When you realize you’ve been wrong, the best thing you can do is to go to your teen in humility and say so. Ask forgiveness and ask for a fresh start. Though they may not be as quick to forgive as they were in their younger years, most teens really do want a good relationship with their parents, and will forgive many mistakes in order to have one. Give them some time, and be sincere in the ways you are working to parent better.
It really is possible to maintain a great relationship with your teens, even as they are growing in independence. Keep pressing on and it will pay off for the rest of your life!
If you have anything to add, or want to share which of the 7 pitfalls above hits closest to home, I’d love to hear from you in comments. We all benefit from hearing each other’s stories and I hope you leave here encouraged!
With Aloha,
Monica
My wonderful 13 year old straight A boy, is pulling away from me, he’s not doing anything bad or disrespectful but I’m having a terrible time dealing with it. My only child who was and is my world wants to be in his room talking to friends, it’s normal do you have tools for me? How do I deal, I understand your points when he needs me but how do I react now
Hey Laura! Thank you for commenting and yes…this is normal at 13. “Normal” though does not mean you have to accept it or let it turn into a wall between you. I encourage you to find a good time to chat with him honestly about how you feel. Let him know that you hope to maintain a great and healthy relationship with him as he grows up. Ask him if there’s anything you can do better to nurture that now (who knows if something little you do embarrasses him or makes him feel like a little kid…etc) Keep the door open and tell him that even if his friends do not feel close to their mom you hope to always be a good friend to him…It will change as he grows up, but you will always be there for him> See how that conversation goes! Hopefully it will move you in the right direction. Then maybe you can brainstorm together ways to stay connected– through doing things together or connecting in some way that he feels most comfortable! 🙂 Sometimes they just go through a stage, so try not to worry too much!
Thank you, I will try your suggestions..I always feel like I’m trying to hard with him anymore, wow you spoke to me! Let me say everything I want to in this 30 seconds, and he glazes over..
It makes me feel guilty for every second when he was little that I may have been to busy…
Thanks for responding
Laura
I have more of a question than a comment. I have a 14 yr old son and he stays trapped in his room alot on his phone or Xbox and he doesn’t like going anywhere at all. He doesn’t even wanna shop for nothing for school I try to bond with him I try to come up with suggestions to do but it’s like he’s got so much anger toward me and his attitude is awful. Just like I was in his room earlier akin to him he was laughing at youtube and all of a sudden he wants metro get out of his room I said hold on then he comes to shove me out well I slapped him but that makes it worse them got on to him about pushing me so I took his phone away and he just goes to bed when I do. He’s got a bad attitude problem and anxiety what do i do?????
My son just turned 14 too and he started going down this road when he was 12 or 13. I thought we would be at complete loggerheads. He was angry and disrespectful, and also struggled in school with learning disabilities. However, I recently learned his father has Celiac Disease and can’t metabolize gluten. So I took my son (and myself) off of gluten too, about four months ago. He’s now a different child and lovely to be around! His brain is functioning much better, and he’s HAPPY! His joints have stopped aching as well! I am getting him tested for Celiac Disease as well, but even if he doesn’t have it, I will keep our home gluten-free, because when he eats it, it makes him angry and frustrated all over again. He enjoys feeling that his brain is working much better as well. Maybe your son is also gluten sensitive or has food allergies. Check into the GAPS diet, you could be saving him from a lifetime of pain.
Great suggestions! I would love to pray with you…
I have a 15 year old son who is always wanting to be around me I’m a part time father weekends and any time I can get my kids I try but my 14 year old son is very active and has almost completely pulled away from me and isn’t wanting to see me also my ten year old daughter is doing the same I was so close to all of them and now puberty hit my son and daughter with my oldest son it brought us closer but my other two kids have pulled away and it’s confusing me I have tried everything I call them or text almost everyday I try to give them freedom but not enough to be unknowing what’s going on in their lives my 10 year old girl has always been a lone wolf I put myself in her life and try not to force my presence on her but am constantly trying to get into her presence but my 14 year old son has always been close to me the last six months he has been pulling away further and further and I’m afraid he is embarrassed by me because I have chrones disease and can’t be as active in his or any of those lives as I want I just feel like I’m losing the respect and love for me idk what to do but I’m the best father I can possibly be and will continue to keep trying this helped me out but it’s very complicated when my children blame me for leaving their mother but I can’t be open with them about their mothers transgressions because I don’t want them to feel like I’m trying to turn them against their mother or them developing angst for their mother for the reasons I left life is complicated and I won’t down their mom but she does me so I’m really at the losing end of a fight where I’m just taking blows and not defending myself I just hope me trying anything I can to be a good father and maybe they see I’m not putting their mother down or trying to turn them against their mother or stepfather I think the high road may pay off in the long run
Joey–Thank you for your comment and I’m so sorry for your discouraging situation. I don’t want you to lose hope! The kids are still young enough that you have lots of time to get through this. 🙂 Have you tried counseling with them? I think that might really help you communicate your love and commitment to them, while being in a safe place where they might be able to communicate any confusion, hurt, or anything else they are going through. Divorce is so hard on kids, and the more open, loving communication you can foster, the better. I think talking to them, and not being needy or pushy is your best route, and letting them lead in the things you do and time together. But counseling can be a great help, so I hope you’ll consider that. Pray for God’s wisdom and don’t give up. Your kids need you!! Please keep me posted and keep smiling…the kids need a happy, and healthy father. Blessings
When you have your kids at your home and are talking to them. I’d say something like this. “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something. You both know I love you with all my heart, right. I’d be there for you any time I possibly could. Lately, I’ve felt kind of shut out and that makes me feel ___(sad, lonely, worried). I want you to know that what happened between mom and I was just because of mom and I, not anything to do with you. I will always be here for you. I will always be your dad. It seems things have gotten kind of quiet between us and I need you to help me understand. You’re ever thing to me. I love both of you so much. ” or something like that, And if there are tears, kids get that. Then just let it sink in…. when kids see sincere vulnerability they will pour out usually. If not, explain what experience has made you feel this way. I’m not sure I could have the same restraint you have had about why the breakup happened and you may have to have something prepared to say as your children get older because it’s Going to come up and you can’t deceive them. I pray for your families success!
SUCH good advice, Judi. Well said and thank you for taking the time to write that. Joey–Please do this, and then let us know how it goes. 😉 Blessings.
My son live 1 week with his mum and 1 week with me.I have pushed him away, I have made a rule that he text me on a “semi regular basis when he is with his MUM, he doesnt, I bought him his phone, I think it is not too much to ask, I have been pushing this for a year now and it is not working, he now has started staying with his More, I am so upset, I do everything and anything for him,
Do i submit and let him ignore my rule, do I try soften, I have no idea what to do, we have 2 rules in my home, honesty and communication, since he is now 14.5 the last year has been hell.I have now sadly threatened to take him out of the nice little private school and send him to a rough state school, I am pulling my hair out between sobs, He is not with me tonight but should be. PLEASE HLP
woops, meant to say started staying with his Mum more
I’m so sorry Craig. I hear your heart and you clearly care about your son a lot. It must be so painful to go through this. You said you have “pushed him away”, what do you mean by that? Do you see where you have made mistakes in pushing him away? Could you invite him to sit down so that you can humbly own up to your mistakes and ask for a “restart” on your relationship? Let him know that you recognize he is a teenager now and you need to earn his respect and you sincerely want to grow your relationship, but it takes two…and that he also must give a little, show respect, and work with you. This may be best done with a counselor, I’m not sure but I definitely encourage you to communicate openly and lovingly before doing things that will further upset him and push him away. You would also be wise to include his mother in the conversations, the two of you ought to both want healthy relationships all the way around, so it would make sense for you to be on the same page. Keep working, do not give up!
Hello and Thank you for your reply
I think I have pushed him away as I have been so firm on my belief that he text me , especialy when he is at his mums, or goes to soccer.
He is a good,,, no great young man, we have been soooo close, I have taken him on 3 overseas trips of adventure, lats being 2 years ago, it is this phone issue that has cause the problem and i have constantly pushed him to text, it is the only thing that causes issues really.
If I say ok dont worry about texting then I have submitted and he gets away with not following my basic rule.or should i just back off and see what happens.I bought the phone, I pay the bill, should i take it off him AGAIN? I dont think that helps, it hasnt last 3 tims i did it, maybe i just smash it, I cant stop thinking about him and wish so desperately that we were close again..
I would be able to sit down with him and his mum if needed,but even then the question will be asked, Why cant you simply text?
seems so bloody easy to me
thank you and I look forward to your reply very much
Craig
Craig, it’s very apparent you love your son very much and are concerned. I would guess he’s feeling a bit smothered or feels a betrayal to his mums family if he gives too much detail about the goings on in their life. If making sure he’s OK is what you need assured of, I would just text him and say, “hey, just checking in, everything good with you? Love ya dad” Any attempt at this age to be mean spirited or aggressive will Not promote a good relationship. If he’s introverted and you get a reply “doing good” you hit a homerun 🙂
I do think you’re pushing a little too hard. Some boys just aren’t that communicative, especially using devices. My son isn’t. FaceTime works better. I’d just keep it light and fun if I were you.
My son is years old and to be quite honest, a handful. I realize that I am partly to blame for this. He is so very intelligent. when he was in kindergarten I had him tested for the gifted program. he was in the top five of over three hundred children whose ages range from preschool to high school. Here is the problem, since his very early years he has been talked to by everyone as if he were an adult. He has also been given choices too early of an age. So with that little bit of background, I will explain the problem at hand.
I left my sons father when my son was only months old. He has never met his father because his father , well, he was a deadbeat . He just recently tried to communicate with my son, to which my son is having none of it.
My son has always wanted to be a Marine like his Grandpa, and because of this, has a fascination with guns and knives and such. It has become something close to scary for me as a Mom. But that is only one part of the problems. He has a girlfriend that he has been dating for two years without my knowledge that he actually got pregnant at thirteen… OMG horrible…. well she , along with her parents decided an abortion was the only option. I am not a supporter of abortion unless it was a violent crime or something along those lines. However I am not completely against it either, depending on the circumstances. Anyway….. My sons girlfriends mother had to take her two hours away to get the abortion done because they do not offer it in our area. My son and I were going to support her and her mother. My son decided that he did not want me to go because he is the one who messed up and he wanted to take responsibility for his own actions. so I stayed home to give him the chance to do so. That was over a year ago… his grades are all failing but the young lady is getting excellent grades. he has turned to being s slob, he will not clean his room or help around the house at all without dire consequences. he doesnt want to be home ever. I recently found paraphenalia in his room for smoking pot, but it did not smell like pot, it smelled like tobacco. I am at a loss I do not know what to do and he balks at any consequences or discipline. He smart mouths me every chance he gets, and he started yelling at me just recently. I have always tried to be there for him when he needed me. I have tried to instill faith and good manners in him but it seems like he is very lost. I was taking him to see a counselor until the counselor told him that because he was over thirteen he , by law, could sign himself out of the program and not have to participate any longer. So of course that is what he did. I have no real resources to help me and I am really afraid of losing him all together to drugs, alcohol or gangs. I am a Christian and have Biblestudy in home every week because of health issues that I have I cannot go out to the church. He has been at home for the Bible study and would sit in but not participate. I really am at a loss. ANY help or resources that you could point me in the direction of would be so greatly appreciated. I dont know where to turn. the state could have helped but now that he knows by law he doesnt have to participate and can sign himself out of any program, I’m left with no options. Please help
sorry my son is fourteen years old.
Paula, your son sounds to me as if he is trying to grow up and you are stiffling the things in him that appeal to him as a male. My son is 14 too. We live in the mountains out West. He loves hunting and fishing and hiking and cutting up firewood, using the chainsaw, his shotgun to kill the racoons constantly trying to eat our chickens and ducks, and his hunting knives for turning the coon skins into fur pelts. Recently he became interested in building an HHO generator and I purchased the parts to help him make it. I’m helping him do the things he loves and he appreciates me and loves his life as a result. Let your boy pursue the things he is interested in (other than sex with his girlfriend) as well as the manly arts (hunting, fishing, etc) and your relationship should greatly improve! Good luck!
When I go in to my teens room to kiss him goodnight, he screams for me to get out!! What do I do??? Leave like an abused woman?
Anna, it sounds like you need to find some help. This is not ok and should not be tolerated, but if he has such anger, I would suggest you finding support to help you sort through things. Obviously without knowing your background or relationship, it is hard for me to say much, but if you are trying to figure out if this is normal or ok, then no: it is not. I pray you find some good counsel and have a much better year ahead.
Look at Toby Robins and other people who overcome bad memories of their early life. He and I had similarities except I’m a lot younger than him with a different background, culture, and nationality.
I ran away at age 12 and never go back Yes, I struggled to finish school because I had to fend for myself when I should study or read my favorite genre at night, not at work. I had no luxury for socialization, sleepover, and many others that many of my peers enjoyed. I can tell you that many teenagers were ridiculous in my own eyes. They complained a lot about stupidest things or random things that didn’t make sense on my Earth. They made me wonder why I was born to my parents while they were born to parents who did their best for them. I wish that my problem was being grounded due to bad behaviors. I wish that I had their lifestyles. I might be more sympathetic to people who have parents that love them, but all they do is complaining about petty things that I don’t find worth of arguing for.
In short, it boils down to what kind of persons you’re dealing with. Your child development class might help. Some people are just better thinkers than the others. Look around your environment. There are people who are nice while others aren’t so nice. They’d rather make others miserable.
Yes, if you don’t straighten out your children, they might be criminals than you have imagined them to be; however, it doesn’t mean that they are going to be genuinely nice. They play different games later in their lives. Look around you.
What do most people complain about their coworkers, friends, and families? Those are minor things, but they become annoying.
Look at your in-laws or families. Why others are very nice while others appear to have bipolar disorders?
It would be good to give one example of every “abstract” advice is given i.e. “overlook what you can, extend grace”….or “giving too much freedom”. I find this vague and can not disypher what is too much and what average understanding of freedom let alone what type of freedom is meant.
I prefer statements and advises to follow with one described example.
I need help please my 14yr old tells me he needs freedom hes in football right now but i found out hes lied to me saying he was at a basketball game in school but was actually with a girl . Social media isnt allowed but i find him on snapchat and instagram also find out while doing his chores walking the dog he has a girl friend and they were kissing. Now what do i do what am i doing wrong ? Im so scared of him going down the wrong path so i dont let him hang out . But his dad is his friend so when hes at his house theres no rules and its kool to have girls etc.
What do i do
Your post hit many spots for me and we’ve tried it all to no avail. We’ve tried to pull in the reigns, but our daughter (who turns 18 in a couple weeks) completely disregards them and us. She is disrespectful and believes she should call her own shots and won’t answer her phone and/or texts sometimes (often times) claiming her phone died. We pay for her phone, and I’ve even suspended her service, but I worry that she won’t be able to reach me if she’s in trouble or won’t be able to receive a call from a perspective employer. She’s looking for a job and will be starting college in a little over a week. I’ve decided to have her live on campus because I hope she will flourish in that environment AND that it will help us both and our relationship. Please share your thoughts! I am so lost and afraid!
Thank you so much for this! I have a 16 year old son and I have felt him pulling him away as he has been forming a tighter relationship with his father, something I adore but I miss him very much. I seem to be making all of the mistakes you listed out in this article and it’s good to hear this from another mom of sons.
Oh bless you Hema! I hope these help and I hope through the letting go process you find an even better relationship emerge with your son. Thank you for commenting! aloha-
My son is 12 and is about to enter 7th grade. He used to be responsible and get straight A’s. Now his grades are falling and he’s acting more immature and sometimes mean. He is also having trouble forming friendships. How do we get our son back on track again.
I have 2 boys, 19&17 and 2 girls, 15&13 … all but my 17yr old has lived with me the majority of their life so far. For some reason I gave my 15 yr old daughter way too much freedom and needed to be that friend mom so bad that at the moment I have lost her. She won’t even speak to me because of a misunderstanding and moved to her dads 300 miles away. This summer my youngest and I are moving back as now everyone is there but if anyone has any advice on how to approach this with ny daughter i would appreciate it, her father will let her decide if she has anything to do with me. She will have to see me for my sons graduation the end of May! I don’t even know how to approach that! Thanks inbadvance on any help. My kids are my life and I have always had a good relationship with them so this is hard!
Am an aunt and guardian of male 15yrs old. I lost my sister to cancer, his mom, last year in 2016. My sister was a single parent to two kids. She was a christian. But she was strict. I understand she had to play two roles. Am sure it was tough. I helped by being her caregiver for her kids . By helping out by picking them up from school etc. Enailing her to work fulltime, to provide for her kids. I helped a lot, but the discipline was hers, I call and tell her situation or ask the kids to call mom for permission. Now I find myself in a aunt-parent situation that I now have to lay down rules,boundaries and he fights me on it. He thought I was going to be the same aunt as always, but I tell him I must now be a parent too. He tells me I talk to much. He yells at me to get out of his room. He has issue if don’t let him do what he wants. I believe he has girlfriend, but he won’t admitt to me. I get so many advices, I have gone from loving him, trying to be patient, to tough love. I feel one moment like we are one foot forward, then back again. He acts like hes that adult, and am the child. Am 54years old woman.He told me he wants freedom. But how much freedom can u give a young man of 15yrs. He lies to me , so needless to say, am beside myself what to do, besides prayer. He doesn’t want counseling. I don’t want to force him. He goes school, we go church, no he not involved in youth ministry, no has tried to reach to him. It is a big church, i suggest going to different church. No this where he came with his mom . Doesn’t want to. I tried.
Sounds like your nephew is venting the loss of his mom, onto you. He feels close to you enough to be able to be mad at you, when he is really mad that his mom is gone. You are in a tough place. If i were you, i would go to counseling to get ideas on how to help him through the loss, and also to help you parent him. Good luck. He will be loving you in his 20’s saying thanks for being there for me, sorry i was such a shit.
Great advice Carol, thank you for taking the time. I agree with you 100%. Blessings-
I have made many mistakes with my teenage daughter ( turned 14 in January ). Her father and I are no longer together and still argue in front of her. I know it’s terrible – I am repeating my own teenage experiences onto her. However, she has a mouth on her that would make a truck drivers eye lashes curl ! I find it unacceptable and voice that to her. I need her to know that there will be consequences for say I horrible things to me. I turned her phone off for a week. Her father had no boundaries and us the ” yes ” man. She moved out of my hone to live him because of my rules. Maybe I am intruding on her privacy at times but I worry.
She is either spending weekends at her friends house ( when her father has her ) or her father let’s her friends sleep over during the week and on his weekends . They hangout in the basement and he has no idea what they do , what time they are in bed ( after 4 am when I see an Instagram post ), and what she is posting on a spam account that she won’t give me access to. I called Instagram and they said that their policy is that if she is 13 ( yes ! 13 or older ) she can lock me out of account. I am at my wits end.
Liz–i am so sorry, it sounds like you are in a really tough situation. I would definitely recommend you find a good counselor to talk through all of this with. Obviously there are some things that you cannot control a this time (how her father parents) but as for your relationship and how you deal with things I think a counselor would be helpful. Don’t give up, but keep seeking solutions. Wishing you the best–
I appreciate your comments and advice. I’m currently struggling with rules/boundaries for my 18 year old senior. He would like to be able to spend time with his girlfriend hanging out at our house after school between activities some nights when no adults are home. At first I was adamantly opposed to it. I explained that I could not be a party to providing a place where unacceptable behavior could occur. When we talked he said that I should trust him to make good decisions and reminded me that he is going off to college in a few months. Although he agreed to follow my rules he thinks that because we live right next to the high school it would just be nice to hang out there after school until practice starts. He reminded me that if he really did want to “do something” he could go elsewhere. I don’t have concerns about his grades, activities, etc and he reminded me that his values are that he would not be sexually active. However, he is still an 18 year old guy (and in high school) with raging hormones. I am really struggling with finding a balance here – any advice? I did relent last night about allowing the girlfriend to come over and made it clear that should they decide to become intimate our house would be off limits. I feel as though I want to trust him but don’t want to be stupid, either.
Jodi–Thank you so much for sharing your situation. Your heart is absolutely in the right place and it sounds like you have done your best to honor God and be reasonable and wise…This is indeed a sticky situation.
I don’t know where you or your son are at spiritually, but for our family this would be a situation I would defer to my son’s mentor who is his youth pastor. He keeps him in line with super good values and is someone outside of mom and dad so that helps. Also, my son has his own spiritual convictions which make him not want to be in compromising situations because he knows his own weaknesses. These things really only apply though if your son ascribes to the same spiritual or moral convictions that you do. IF he doesn’t then it’s just a matter of respecting you and like he said, it’s only a matter of time until he is in college any ways. (Such a tough season when they’re adults but still in our home and in high school!) I think you sound very level headed and it sounds like you’re handling it well. Without knowing more about where your son is morally/spiritually it is hard of rme to say much more, and also I don’t know the nature of your relationship (though it sounds like a good one! :)) Try not to let this become a fighting matter, but one where you remain firm in your own convictions but loving and reasonable. I think he will respect that even if he does not agree with you. Keep me posted, ok? Much love and blessings–
I (mom of 5) defer to “house rules” when I don’t want them to feel it’s personal mistrust. Boys and girls aren’t allow alone together at our house when we’re not home, a rule I won’t bend. Even the most moral kids can be tempted beyond control and I don’t want to contribute to that even inadvertently.. Let her over anytime you’re home and don’t check on them, show as much trust as you are realistically able, but your house, your rules.
Hi,
My son is 15 and we had a great relationship pre-teen. We still have a good relationship except the fact like other kids, he stays in his room playing videos, talking to his friends online, and playing his guitar. It was making my heart sad that he wasn’t hanging out with me any more. I know so many people deal with this since all the technology has taken over, and Internet came into play. But one thing I’ve started doing is making sure we have dinner together at the kitchen table. it’s giving us time to talk about the day or whatever is on our minds. And even if it’s for 20 minutes, 20 minutes of quality time with your teen is good and they will remember dinner time together with their family or single parent, like myself. I don’t have a lot of time, but I do make time for dinner together and talk 🙂
Connie–Thanks so much for commenting. Having dinner together is a fabulous way to connect — well done. I am actually preparing a post for next week which has just that as a major suggestion for families. 😉 But may I ask you: Have you ever set boundaries for how much time your son spends in his room? I often hear parents say that their teen spends so much time in their room and I wonder if parents think they have no say over that? If you think your son is spending too much time (esp. on devices or playing video games) there is no reason you cannot set a time limit and then ask him to be out with the rest of the family for certain times…he can read or talk to you or help around the house. I would love to hear from you on this because I am asking all parents who have this complaint the same question and I am genuinely curious if you have already tried that and it backfired or if you simply do not feel you have the “right” to tell your son not to be in his room for so long. Thanks for sharing!! Aloha-
Hi, Connie and Monica.
Great post, Monica (love your site! just found it!), and great question, Connie. I love the dinner-together rule, and think it’s important to have even limited regular time together whenever possible.
We have a somewhat firm no-tech-in-the-bedrooms policy** for our kids. It’s hard to stick to when they are older teens, but we have set up spaces in our dining room and living room where they can be online/on computers to do homework, and to have some unstructured tech time. Expecting 13-17-year-olds to respect boundaries around technology when they are in their bedrooms isn’t actually fair to them (or even developmentally appropriate).
Limiting their tech use in their bedroom will limit how much time they spend in there. And if they do want to shut their door and read (or do something else that’s not tech-dependent), we feel that it’s because they need that time to themselves.
**Note that we make occasional exceptions to no-tech-in-bedroom: when we have company over and our kids need to be on their computers to do homework, etc. And very occasionally we’ll let them watch a movie or play video games in their room, but this is the exception and not the rule.
Best,
Kelly(ak), Secondary English teacher, and parent of two
I forgot to say: not everyone has a household that will work for the no-tech-in-bedroom rule: smaller kids running around during homework time, for example, or a small house (ours isn’t big, but it’s pretty quiet) might make this unworkable for kids who need computers for homework.
If that’s the case, I suggest setting tech-hours rules, and limiting it to no more than a few a day. At the very least, I would ask my kids that all tech (including phones) be out of the bedrooms by, say, 9 or 10pm. I’d actually like it to be earlier for my students and others who have tech in their rooms, but that’s not always doable when kids have sports practice, music rehearsals, and other activities that sometimes keep them out of the house until later in the evening, and then they need to start homework…
None of this is easy!
You always have great suggestions. I have one more – don’t encourage your kids to run off and hide in their rooms by making them an appealing playground of electronics. You’re never going to get the phone out of their hand, but I’ve never allowed TV’s or computers in bedrooms and even my adult sons still maintain this policy. It’s subtle, but if the family TV is the best one and the only one set up with cable and Netflix, plus some appealing snacks around, it encourages them to come and hang out with the family a little more often. And we set pretty strict limits on game time, so that helps too. These electronics are making our job as parents a LOT harder, I’m not a huge fan.
Such great thoughts there Adrian! Thank you for adding that. Love it all. Much aloha–
Hi AdrianG! I just wrote a similar reply, but should have read yours first!
Best,
Kellyak
Thank you so much for this post! I am a HS Special Education teacher and my students are doing that ever so difficult MS to HS transition. The parents have a rough time and this is a really great article that I will have for them as a resource. I love that you talked about teens so respectfully. They are a WONDERFUL group to work with and it is nice to read articles that build them up and help them to become better adults! Thanks!!!
I have a 15 and 17 year old son followed by an adorable energetic 2 year old. The hardest part for me … LOL.. All of it! I’m sooo lost and feel so out of control with lack of knowledge on connecting with my two older kids. The toddler, NOT a problem .. I can fix anything with the wheels on the bus song ?.. My teenagers though.. Whew boy. They are both introverts and hard to read. They barely have friends( that I know of ..) they don’t leave the house (they don’t want to, it’s been encouraged and suggested almost every weekend) , I don’t see them talking on the phone.. I even went as far as to encourage my 15 year old to open a Facebook account (I know, mother of the year award) . My 17 year old is high functioning autistic.. So he is a story all on his own but I feel that we have a decent relationship.. My 15year old , not so much. We just moved about 2 months ago.. So I know that is a struggle. But I’m at a loss and feel that I am making it worse for him. He is failing four classes, not making friends, he is on the smaller side so he is being picked on. I recommend things to him but can’t do it for him. Tonight was tough. We talked about his continuous lack of maturity in being responsible for himself (grades) and how this will affect his future ( he has an ongoing struggle to turn in assignments and there fore gets zeros and never figured out how to bring up his grades) my final question tonight was .. “What do you think the problem is?” His reply: “Me” … ? What!? He isn’t the problem ! He is so perfect and I feel like I just kick him while he is down when I respond with.. “No, you are not to become a victim, you have to find out how to follow through with your one and only responsibility which is school” HELP!! The face he gave me and the way he looked at me broke my heart. I just want to help him.. Thanks for listening… I can’t sleep and I needed to tell someone.
Oh Janet, you sweet thing. Thank you so much for sharing your heart here, and I wish I could reach right through the computer and hug you. You are not alone. Obviously there is so much I do not know about your situation, but from what I do know, you are saying the right things to your boys, and your heart is obviously tender. I encourage you to really trust God with this, and keep believing for those boys even when/if they don’t believe for themselves. Have you talked to a counselor about all of this? I really recommend doing that. Someone outside of your situation might be able to give you a fresh perspective and tools. Ideally your boys (at least the 15 yr old, assuming the 17 yr. old has some support for his autism?) could also talk to a counselor. In addition I would require them to get outdoors. Nature and fresh air can do wonders. Perhaps you can make it a required part of their day. Again, I don’t know your whole scenario–is there a dad in the picture, do you have a church to connect to or spiritual beliefs to turn to? No matter what I promise you God is there and He loves all of you. I want your boys to believe that God has a plan for their life and I want you to know that God sees your heart and ALL of the efforts you put in is NOT in vain. I believe things will get better and one day you’ll look back on these days and be so glad you put in all you did, but also so glad it’s over! 🙂 Bless you and please do keep me posted. Wish I could help more but from a distance there is only so much I can do..Aloha-
Wow! You responded ! It’s 2:34AM here and I’m reading articles on how to help your teenage son. ? Thank you for your kind words. I spoke with his school counselor and she did meet with him this afternoon. He has a stepfather (marine) who has been involved in his life since age 4. His dad just started coming back in the picture since about 5 months ago.. Even with that going on, which is a lot. I don’t feel he has a hard life. We have created a solid foundation for him to feel secure in. I just need to up my mommy game and figure out how to get through without making him feel worthless (this is my fear, I know how terribly it feels when someone doesn’t believe in you) I feel like tonight I brushed his REAL concerns (dad, move, school ) to the side and told him to grow up in so many words. Church.. Not so much but coencidently we are starting a series at a church up the street on the 18th! This is exciting to us all. For me.. I am on Pinterest and Google trying to find resources to help me find the right words/path to take with him. ? My 17 year old is actually adapting nicely. I’m excited for his new chapter at this new school (better environment and program/resources) and with this church series we will be attending I have high hopes!
Thank you for responding!
**question** what would you do? His dad has a family reunion coming up on Sept. 16th ( a 3 day weekend trip to the mountains) he wants to pull him out of school that Friday. –after today, I was thinking of telling my son that he isn’t allowed to go but now I’m second guessing that. Any thoughts? Xoxo, Janet
I needed this! Number 6 is so hard for me, and this was a great reminder. I have 4 kiddos, ages 15, 13, 10, and 7. And I’m pretty sure I have some “parent onset ADD”. I really need to work on slowing down and really listening to the small stuff. Especially with my 15 year old. Thanks!
I think we all need to work on that one! 🙂 With four kids especially we are so stretched…If the intention is there the rest will fall into place. 😉 Thanks for commenting!
I am def guilty of them trying to talk to me and me talking over them and pointing out things. They usually want to talk when it’s bedtime and mama is all done or when they need to be getting ready to go. Sigh. A breath and some attention is probably the best answer. We are raising them and God is raising us.
Well said, Paige! 🙂 Thanks for stopping in…aloha-
Thank you so much. This really really helps me out. I have a 16-years old stepson, a 9-years old daughter, with their super-traditional Chinese father (who still believes that he is the only and unchallenged authority at home). He sets rules and I asks (too many) questions that made our son felt smothered that he wanted to quit school and left home (in last October). Then we communicated with him, so he came back home and went back to school, but we found that we gave him too much freedom that the whole family feel uncertain all the time (and I feel worried all the time if my son didn’t came home after 10pm). It also affected our 9-years old daughter who once cried to me saying that “Mommy, please don’t ignore me….” I didn’t realize that she felt that way (and I will never ignore her) as our attentions all goes to our son….
Thanks for the clear instructions from this post the earlier “What a Teenage Boy Needs most from his Mom.” You calm me a lot. Much appreciated.
Thank you Sonia! So happy you have enjoyed the posts. Sounds like you are doing your very best in your situation. I hope you can communicate with your husband in a way that he can understand so that you have a voice as well…I’m sure your daughter feels loved and you’ll find the right balance with your step-son. Meanwhile, keep up the great parenting and bless you. Much Aloha–
These are really good points! Thanks for re-posting this. Great reminders. I now have a 21 yr old son and a 12 year old son. I remember when my 21 yr old was 16 and played football. My husband would pick him up and it seemed like every day more and more boys would pile in the car. My husband would tell jokes, talk to the boys, lift them up, listen to them and many of them told my son that their parents didn’t talk honestly with them about anything. We decided instead of ‘telling’ our kids what to do all them time, we would ‘ask them the right questions’ that would logically bring them to the ‘best’ solution on their own. Even with that, the influences with friends sometimes lead them down roads we didn’t agree with, but we kept conversation going, tried not to ridicule when they told us an issue or mistake, but really talked through solutions. Now my 21 year old has become a man I am proud of. We are still working with our 12 yr old, but having an older brother to echo our beliefs and give him another perspective has been a great gift to him.
Awesome, thank you Nita! Love hearing your story and it sounds like you and your husband are very tuned in to kids’ needs and doing a great job. It is always encouraging to hear from those whose kids have grown and worked through tricky times to be in a good place. Yay! Keep up the great work with your 12 year old, and I’m sure he’ll too make you proud down the road. Much aloha-and thanks for taking the time to comment. 🙂