This morning, as all of my guys were headed out the door to surf, I had a brief interaction with one of my boys in which I raised my voice justenough to make a point, and…well, got a little bossy. They were in a rush, so the two of us didn’t exactly work through things or even have the chance to kiss and make up before he left, and for that — I felt a little bad. But not that bad. The truth was: That son needed it, and he knew he needed it. I had no regrets over what I had said, or even the firm tone with which I said it. That particular situation called for me to be a #bossmom.
Well, just after that I took off on a run; I always think best when I run. That is when I realized that for all of my blogging about things like connecting with your kids, and speaking words of life, and even laughing and enjoying your kids, I hope I’m clear that I write about those things because I NEED those things. The truth is, I’m wired to be on the feisty side. I’ve even wondered if I would have been good in the military when I catch glimpses of myself hollering things like ‘LINE UP BOYS!” so that I can have a good talking-to with my crew of four sons.
But what really hit me, was that I probably usually write as if YOU are all wired like me. And though I’m sure some of you are, (high fives) I also realize that many of you are NOT LIKE ME.
Some of you are actually wired to be…NICE. Sweet. Soft-spoken, and all of the things I aspire to be more of. (Bless your heart!) Some of you don’t yell much, and you might actually struggle to get bossy, even when you really need to.
By the time I was back from my run and in the shower (the second best place for my thoughts) I realized that I had a message for moms. It’s a message for those tender sweet mommas, who might just need to dig deep and find their inner #bossmom. And it’s a message for those of us on the tougher-end of the spectrum, who might need some reminders about stewarding our bossy sides well.
So real quick-like, while the guys were still out surfing, I sat down and recorded my message. It’s unedited, real and raw. And since I was trying to get through it quickly, and had a lot of points to share, I am including the basic outline of my message at the bottom! (Printable version!)
Enough said. I hope you enjoy!
Here’s the outline — you can fill in the notes:
Giving your kids the Tough Love they need, and Getting the Respect you Deserve
** www.monicaswanson.com
3 motivations for parenting with authority
- YOU deserve respect.
If you need a reminder, just list a few of the things you do each day to serve your family…Enough said. - It’s for their GOOD.
Why? - It’s Biblical; It’s the natural order of things in all cultures throughout time.
(It’s the only commandment with a promise!)
3 Essential Elements to being a #bossmom
- It must be done in a loving environment
(the sandwich principle.) Connect first. - You must be CLEAR on what you’re asking/requiring
(Pick your battles.) (Limit your list.) - You must be consistent.
If it mattered yesterday, it should matter today.
3 Practical tips for getting properly BOSSY:
- Get their attention. Speak up if you must. (don’t yell, just one octave will do.)
- Be prepared with consequences.
*Essential. - Give reasons/motivations.
Motivate them with how this affects their future.
You care. LOVE WELL. GIVE GRACE. AND be an epic #BOSSMOM!
Share in comments? Perhaps I can take an unofficial poll of my readers…
Do you tend towards the BOSSY side, or are you a quieter type of mom? Either way: Have you learned to compensate, find balance, and get the respect you deserve? I love hearing your stories, so hope you’ll leave a comment below. Also: Subscribe to my blog to receive future posts, HERE, and be sure to Subscribe to my YouTube channel to be the first to know when new videos come out!
With Aloha,
Monica
I definitely lean towards the Boss Mom side of things as well. I have 4 boys too, ages 5 months to 9 years, and I feel like being bossy just naturally happens. They’re so loud and energetic, I’ve had to learn to be more strucutred and “militant”! But sometimes I DON’T need to be, and I definitely need to remember to love, not just shout. Thanks for the great reminder!
Thanks, Monica! I tend toward the more militant and critical side of things and I don’t sandwich very well. I have six boys aged 4 to (almost) 16 plus an 18-year old daughter with special needs, so there’s always a lot of (what feels to me like) chaos in our house. A few months ago I added Ephesians 4:29 to my morning prayer routine. It says: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” I pray this every. single. morning. I have seen God start to change my reactions as I have difficult interactions with the boys throughout each day. I’ve been more able to slow down for even just a second before words fly out of my mouth that I will regret. It’s not perfect but I can see the sanctification process taking place, slowly but surely.
Monica, thanks so much for the post.Really thank you! Keep writing.
Thanks, Monica!! I really need this. I have trouble channeling my inner “Boss Mom” sometimes. Thanks for your message and the helpful tips on how to go about this in a loving way. 🙂 And Thor is so adorable!!!!
Hi Monica,
Loved this blog! So helpful and refreshing to know that as moms we all are going through some of the same issues. I too am a feisty mom and will print up those reminders to reel it in a touch and work on consistency! Mahalo!!
Sometimes, it is hard to parent. There has been times when I had to be stern, but with love and had to say sorry for yelping at them. But we did talk it out.
Monica,
This is so great! Thank you for taking your free time to record this. Such a gift! Curious about what kinds of specific consequences your boys receive when they speak disrespectfully to you. I feel like this is one place that some of my older kids (15, 13) struggle and would love to hear consequences other moms are putting in place for these offenses. Thanks!
Heather
Love this! I need to be more consistent in some areas. Thanks for this.
Thanks for the reminder to do my best to keep the “mom scale” balanced and build those positive connections. As another feisty mom, I know that I need to show twice as much love, humor, and encouragement than naturally occurs to me…and it’s a work in progress. Here’s to the #bossmom in all of us! ?
Thank you ! A fellow feisty mom here! I loved your points, great reminder to be encouraging and loving while disciplining. Great message to pass on!
ah, thank you so much!! It’s all about the balance, right? 🙂 blessings!
Love this blog/blog, Monica.
We have raised our 5 kids with this same philosophy. You don’t always have to agree with me, but you MUST be respectful when presenting your opinion!
No eye rolling, smart mouths or door slamming is allowed. Ever. Consequences aim to make a point and are age appropriate.
Over the years, we’ve had fellow parents critisize us for being “too hard” on our kids and we should “allow them to control their environment.” These same parents still struggle with their grown children running their lives.
We are proud to have wonderful relationships with all of our grown kids. Who, I will add, are amazing people who contribute to society and are making their own way.
As we raise our youngest, who is 12, we’re continuing with our values and beliefs in parenting as we have witnessed the results. It’s not always fun, it certainly is not easy, but it’s our responsibility to raise him to respect authority.
Hmmmm….. ??!!
I totally agree. I also know with having both girls and boys, that my boys challenge me in much different ways than my girls. Setting clear rules of ‘tone’, ‘body language responses’ and the difference in talking to mom, dad, or authority figures is very important. It’s a constant with kids. Also, letting them know that we as parents are human and not perfect, don’t expect them to be perfect but that they need to respect boundaries when necessary. Consistency is key.
Love this, Monica. Grateful for the reminders today about consistency and limiting the list. And not to base it on your mood. Thank you for sharing your heart and wisdom. Also, loved the video-bombing from your puppy.
I have been thinking for several days on a couple of boy mom questions that I would like to ask you. What is a good way to contact you?
Thank you Jen! (and Thor says thank you also. ;)) Feel free to email me at: [email protected]. Sometimes it takes me a few days, but I do my best to get back to you!! Much aloha!!
Love it- all points are spot on! Thank you!!
Thank you Debbie! Appreciate your comment. 😉 Aloha!
Thank you! I’m the quiet, Uber patient Mom who starts to feel trampled on. I frequently have to pray for strength to stand up to my 3 boys (and last daughter, who acts more boy than girl-mimics everything her brothers do).
I always need a good motivational pep talk to stay strong and pray that they will hear my quiet voice among the chaos.
Thank you Jenn…bless your quiet heart. 🙂 I think if you are firm with even your quiet voice (and offer consequences where needed) they will definitely hear you and as they grow up they will both respect you and appreciate the sweet momma that you are. Keep it up! aloha-
Love this Monica, I’m definitely a ‘boss mom’ and my two boys know it well. There isn’t much yelling to be honest as I have ‘trained’ them to respond to the ‘momma look’ as I call it – a raised eyebrow is sometimes all it takes. However your post today is so timely, my 16 year old is going through some emotional stuff at the moment with a girl and I spoke very honestly and in a very adult way to him this morning and I saw him react badly to this. We’ve talked it through now but I felt awful and quite guilty for a while, however during our second conversation Ethan expressed appreciation for my honesty even though it was hard to hear. I’ve always said we are raising our children to be adults who can function in the world. I’m not preparing my boys for their chosen careers but the dead end job they’ll work while at college to support themselves whilst they are there – to turn up for work on time, appropriately dressed and be respectful of authority, that’s all I can do, after that it’s their responsibility to lead themselves where they need to go. Thanks again Monica, all the way from a damp and cold UK!!
Love this Joanne. Thank you. It sounds like you are raising a fine young man who will be equipped for real life. Well done. Much aloha and a bit of sunshine being sent to you now… 🙂
Thank you for sharing, Monica. So many good points, especially about being consistent, no matter what’s going on or what mood we’re in that day. Love your posts (also love Thor in the background stealing some camera time)!
Thank you Lori–Yup, consistency is a weak point for me for sure! Thank you for commenting, and Thor says thanks for noticing, haha. 🙂 Blessings!
I just wanted to share that if authoritarian-style parenting doesn’t feel quite right to you/other readers, there is a different way. Respectful parenting (not permissive parenting) is a “thing” and it’s been a real gift to me as a mother. I was sad to see there wasn’t a bullet point on your lists about the “respect the child deserves” because that’s a huge piece of it for me. I’ve gained valuable insight from RIE and respectful and gentle parenting resources available online. Just wanted to share that there is another option out there. Thanks for sharing glimpses of your life with us!
Kyly, thank you for taking time to comment. As I mentioned in the video, if you have read my other posts, I put a TON of emphasis on showing kids respect and love and all the rest. Also as I mentioned, after 7 years of blogging I felt that today’s topic was a bit of a missing element. I’m confident that anyone who has followed my blog (or even watched my video carefully) would agree that the definition of authoritarian style parenting does not come close to what I promote: (be definition: Authoritarian parenting is a parenting style characterized by high demands and low responsiveness. Parents with an authoritarian style have very high expectations of their children, yet provide very little in the way of feedback and nurturance. Mistakes tend to be punished harshly.) I appreciate your commenting, but I think you missed the heart. Sorry if I was unclear in any way — I would never want to confuse readers/viewers, so that is disappointing to me. 🙂 Blessings.
That’s awesome perspective. Many parents have tons of unique ways to manage their kids and set boundaries. Thanks for pointing that out.